Stop the Sting

I’m learning. Every day that passes I’m learning something new. Who my friends are, who my emotional rocks are, my true inspirations and everyday I am surprised. I’m in a predicament though. In times of high emotion, I always express myself. What I’m thinking, or what that person makes me feel. And in the past, people have taken my feelings toward them for granted. I’m beginning to think that because I express myself more than the average person that it begins to cheapen. And to me that sucks because I mean it every time. It also begins to feel like it is expected. I try to switch it up and express myself in other ways, but even still, I get the same feeling. As though, I’m the one that does that kind of stuff so it’s normal. So when things come up, and the road gets tough, I feel like those things should be remembered. I feel like those things I do when everything is going well, shows my true intentions, and my true feelings for someone. Shouldn’t that be remembered when things get tough? I feel like I set myself up to fail. I try to be on my game as much as possible, and when I slip up, it’s expected that I don’t. So when I do its blasphemy. I’m beginning to feel like I set the bar up too high. I’m having a hard time getting some slack. And I feel like when shit goes on in other people’s lives, I’m the first person to say, oh well they are going through a lot. Maybe I just don’t understand. Is it really my place to always understand? No. I feel like the true testament of love and dedication is not needing a reason to do those things. I try to be tactful when dealing with people, but at times, I just want to say “cut me a little slack, no one is perfect”.

Life’s got me by the balls right now. People closest to me know what’s up but not everyone. I’m struggling more with dealing with this stuff than I thought I would. And because I act all “okay” on the outside it really sucks when those people don’t give me the benefit of the doubt. It makes me want to isolate myself. I don’t feel I need a reason to be quiet, to act a little weird, or in general be down. I swear to god if I could have a fuckin clown pop out of my ass and tell jokes when I am in a mood then I would. At least everyone around me would be entertained and distracted. And that’s really what my problem is. Often times I worry about everyone else and not enough about myself. How do I break that habit without seeming like an asshole to everyone around me? I try to be strong for everyone. I can’t do it when I barely have the strength to navigate my own river ‘o shit. What I really want to tell people is, hop in my canoe, lets paddle through this river together. It will make us stronger. I find that very few people are willing to hop in. Fuck ‘em. I’ll leave them on shore with AH hot dog, no bun, and chocolate and marshmallows and no graham cracker. Let’s see how things go for them then. They’ll be missing me and my grahams. And maybe when I come around with my grahams, they’ll be a little more appreciative when I share. Because that’s what I’m doing when I do those little things; sharing a part of myself, and I don’t do it for just anyone. For the most part people get me most of the time, and for those I say thank you. *bows and hands over all her graham crackers*

In other news, I got a new sidekick! Yay for the sidekick life. It’s the new LX. It’s sleek, it’s sexy and it gets me hot. Well not HOT HOT, but luke warm.

Anywho, lunch time…life time…work time.

-J

I Want a Girl Who's Too Sad to Give a Fuck

I'm kind of using this one as my journal. I've got a leather bound notebook and pen on my nightstand but I don't want to write. I want to type. It's faster that way to get my ramblings out. I've disabled comments because I'm not really looking for a response.

Let me just say...I am so glad I got an ipod. I am attached to the damn thing. If I could make sweet love to my ipod I would. When my other nano died, I learned to get along without it. But now that I have a new one, it gets to the point where my ears hurt because I have my headphones in for so long. Thank god for my ipod alarm clock stereo thingy or else my ears would never get a break. Music is really helping me a lot lately. Right now I'm going through a change in my life. I'm in a new city, which I chose. I am glad I did, because I wanted to start over, fresh and new. I know people here, but they are all new. I find myself yearning for an intimate connection with someone. Someone I could tell all my in's and out's to. Someone I could let in all the way, that could break my fucking heart, but would never dare. Kind of like a drug. Do too much and it'll kill you, but that high is so worth the risk. Reminds me of one of my favorite lyrics: "Loves just an excuse to get hurt/And to hurt/Do you like to hurt?/I do, I do/Then hurt me"

Obviously, no one wants to get hurt. But isn't it great to be in a position that you could be so incredibly vulnerable to being hurt by someone that at the same time you feel 100% safe? I miss the feeling of having my guard down and the confidence that comes with being someone. People take advantage of that. How you know undoubtedly that when you reach for their hand they will always open up their fingers for you to slip yours in between. How, no matter what time of night, you can throw your arm around them and they will always tuckle up to you and go "mmm". How you know that whenever you leave a room that they will be right there watching. That feeling of comfort that comes with having someone in your life that wants to be your everything.

I miss that. I feel like a pilot light. I don't work unless there's a spark. And right now, there's no fucking spark. It's wake up in the morning, go to work, come home and go to sleep. No one to share my day with, no one to cook for, no one to pleasure. Life is so mundane. Black and white. This is my black and it's low. And my only solace is knowing that everyone goes through this, at one point or another. People have come out alive, happy and sharing their lives with someone that means the world to them. I want to mean the world to someone. I want to be someones infatuation. Someone who loves my eccentricities and can love me in spite of my flaws. Someone who would gladly pick out the cherries of the Cherry Garcia for me because although I eat the cherries every once in a while, I really just like the chocolate chunks. Someone who wont complain that I cook macaroni and cheese three times a week. Someone who has no problem spending an entire Saturday making out with me in bed and watching movies with me even if they are sappy like "Steel Magnolias" or gory and intense like "Seven" or "Crash". Someone who needs no other reason to smack my ass besides "because it's there". Someone who can stand me blaring Dave Matthews 24/7 because when it comes down to it, his lyrics move me and have helped me through the hardest times of my life. I guess I could go on forever talking about all the things I wish for in a partner/lover/best friend. But doing so isn't going to get them to me. Fate will. I guess I will have to respect that.

That fucking sucks. Fate has turned out to be a real whore to me. She owes me.

But seriously, it seems like everyone around me has somebody. Why is that?! Can't there be miserable people around me when I'm feeling down? Even the asian lady who thinks Chloe is going to attack her has somebody. She's only ten fucking pounds lady and is more scared of that leaf than she is of you. Jesus Christ. I'm sure her steamed rice and dim sum is fucking bomb, but what about my mexican lasagna?! My bacon provolone pasta?! How come no one wants to eat my food?! Well, they can all just eat me.

I want to gamble everything for love. Meet me in Vegas.

In the meantime, I need to laugh.

Where's My Money Man

Brian's Novel

Ding Fries are Done

Believe me, I mean it when I say, Happy Holidays to you all :]

-J