Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Just thinking out loud

I sat at home tonight going through myspace doing a little "spring cleaning". I mean, it's important to do. It's right up there with paying the bills, going to work and saving the world. Seriously. I started reading old blogs and seeing old pictures and it is just MIND blowing to see the "old" me. So naive, so young, so fresh...and so clean clean. But in all seriousness, its shocking the natural progression of things. You can try and fight it, you can try to resist and push your life down this road you feel is the one you want to take. Unfortunately, at the end of the day if it wasn't supposed to go down that road, it simply won't. The only thing you can guarantee is a lot more heartache along the way. So why not just let things happen naturally? I suppose if we all just let things happen naturally, we wouldn't feel anguish, sadness and therefore never able to appreciate all the good things life has to offer.

I've realized that when I just sit back and let my hands off the wheel, I end up on the right road. I mean this metaphorically of course. I promise I don't just go around driving my car without any hands. Look ma! No hands!

I think that if we experience true heartache, like real heartache, I don't see it as our hearts getting weaker. I see it as our hearts growing stronger. I mean I have felt anguish and heartbreak before but I feel so impermeable to it now. It may have hurt at the time, but I've learned and moved on quickly. I guess its like when you catch your hand on the curling iron or something. You saw it coming, ouch it sucked, but eh, whatever.

I've had so many thoughts running through my head lately they come at me at the most random moments. Waiting in line at Starbucks. The lady asks my order and I am like "Yeah, I can't believe where I am today. I mean, how things have happened so naturally. Things progressed so perfectly without me trying. Things were harder when I forced everything. You know?" Then the lady was like, "Um. Okay. Would you like coffee?"

Okay I didn't really say all that, but you get the idea. Buying cigarettes, driving down the road, listening to music at home, I've been feeling ooodles of inspiration. I wonder what it means? Am I bored? Am I happy? Am I content?

Who fucking cares. Ha. This is what I DO know. I am living and loving hard right now. And I've never been so excited about my future. I am looking forward to so many firsts, and I am lucky to have someone right by my side who is my unconditional.....everything. It's the best way to describe her. My unconditional friend, my unconditional inspiration, my unconditional love. And she's so beautiful, she could wear a chicken suit and she'd be stunning. I do not lie.

I speak only truth :] So here's to navigating through life with no hands; feeling and loving every bump along the way.

For my unconditional everything:

K, nuff of's time for some L Word. :]

- J

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