Thursday, July 17, 2008

No, I'm a Bigger Whore

Remember the good 'ol days when Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears would duke it out on who was the biggest whore? I miss that more than cold ice cream on a hot summers day when I was a kid. Ahhh, days spent frolicking in the wheat fields, countless hours spent choreographing routines so that every dance move resembled a sexual act, slipping Madonna the tongue, thousands and thousands of pelvic thrusts, fucking ex cast members of the Mickey Mouse club, and not washing their hair for weeks upon end to give it the "I'm so hot, i have freshly fucked dirty hair but its still cute, but not so cute that it takes attention off my boobs and ass" look. You know, days when a girl could just be a girl. Memories.

But really, for a while there, it seemed that Britney Spears was on top. Grabbing the bull by the horns and riding it like it was Ron Jeremy. Oh god, Ron Jeremy. Sexy beast [note: sarcasm].
And poor Christina Aguilera was like, "Hey, I was on Mickey Mouse club too! What about me!" *stands in background, legs spread shoulder width apart, hands behind head, slowly thrusting hips*. Yeah it was a sad life for Christina. But then she started slutting it up a bit. And it got her on the map. But I wonder how she feels today. She must be walking around with a perma-grin. She has this husband [*cough*douche bag*cough*], new baby, and new fantastic boobs thanks to the miracle of bringing a life into the world [thanks Jordan for ditching the rubber and knockin' her up, 'cause those funbags are flawless].

And here's Britney Spears, total nut case, acting a fool. Showing up to film TV guest appearances, for the only good two hours of the day that she's riding high on all the Prozac, to prove shes still normal. And as soon as she comes down, she shaves her head, and beats the shit out of SUV's with an umbrella. Christina must be relishing in it. Brava, Aguilera, go 'head giiiiirl. PS. Christina, I'm an excellent, [repeat], excellent stay at home nanny. I'll massage your breasts to get the milk flowing, and even check your nipples for sensitivity. I put your needs first. I'm just that kind of gal. Selfless.

In other news:
- Akshay bought Chloe a shirt that says: "Have you seen my pants?!", Hilarious, 'cause dogs don't wear pants, but also sad, 'cause that shirt implies my dog's a whore.
- I haven't eaten macaroni and cheese in like weeks. I'm past the withdrawal stage.
- I feel like a terrible lesbian because I haven't seen Wanted with Angelina yet. Oh well, I'll wait to watch her veiny arms and voluptuous lips on DVD.
- I signed up for school. I fuckin hate it.
- I want to make a video of my GF entitled "My girlfriend says the darnedest things". The following is just one example of why: I sent a text to her saying, "It's so hot, I can't read anymore. I'm sweating like a whore in church". She replies: "thats why I don't go to church." Touche. That's my girl.

Okay nuff of this nonense, get back to life. I'll get back to mine, and we'll reconvene, say....a couple days from now? Good deal, you bring the mandarin vodka and cheese, and I'll bring my self and my charisma.

:]

-J

1 comment:

kelley said...

Its Boom:

You HAVEN"T seen WANTED yet! For shame girl! You are right about the veiny arms...there are moments you think skeletor, though shes still way hot, maybe I'm just jealous.

Yeah and poor Britney, I knew the "good girl" wrap was bull shit, but who knew she'd be soo f'd up she can't even take care of her kids! I guess in the end Christina wins...