Monday, April 28, 2008

Stop the Sting

I’m learning. Every day that passes I’m learning something new. Who my friends are, who my emotional rocks are, my true inspirations and everyday I am surprised. I’m in a predicament though. In times of high emotion, I always express myself. What I’m thinking, or what that person makes me feel. And in the past, people have taken my feelings toward them for granted. I’m beginning to think that because I express myself more than the average person that it begins to cheapen. And to me that sucks because I mean it every time. It also begins to feel like it is expected. I try to switch it up and express myself in other ways, but even still, I get the same feeling. As though, I’m the one that does that kind of stuff so it’s normal. So when things come up, and the road gets tough, I feel like those things should be remembered. I feel like those things I do when everything is going well, shows my true intentions, and my true feelings for someone. Shouldn’t that be remembered when things get tough? I feel like I set myself up to fail. I try to be on my game as much as possible, and when I slip up, it’s expected that I don’t. So when I do its blasphemy. I’m beginning to feel like I set the bar up too high. I’m having a hard time getting some slack. And I feel like when shit goes on in other people’s lives, I’m the first person to say, oh well they are going through a lot. Maybe I just don’t understand. Is it really my place to always understand? No. I feel like the true testament of love and dedication is not needing a reason to do those things. I try to be tactful when dealing with people, but at times, I just want to say “cut me a little slack, no one is perfect”.

Life’s got me by the balls right now. People closest to me know what’s up but not everyone. I’m struggling more with dealing with this stuff than I thought I would. And because I act all “okay” on the outside it really sucks when those people don’t give me the benefit of the doubt. It makes me want to isolate myself. I don’t feel I need a reason to be quiet, to act a little weird, or in general be down. I swear to god if I could have a fuckin clown pop out of my ass and tell jokes when I am in a mood then I would. At least everyone around me would be entertained and distracted. And that’s really what my problem is. Often times I worry about everyone else and not enough about myself. How do I break that habit without seeming like an asshole to everyone around me? I try to be strong for everyone. I can’t do it when I barely have the strength to navigate my own river ‘o shit. What I really want to tell people is, hop in my canoe, lets paddle through this river together. It will make us stronger. I find that very few people are willing to hop in. Fuck ‘em. I’ll leave them on shore with AH hot dog, no bun, and chocolate and marshmallows and no graham cracker. Let’s see how things go for them then. They’ll be missing me and my grahams. And maybe when I come around with my grahams, they’ll be a little more appreciative when I share. Because that’s what I’m doing when I do those little things; sharing a part of myself, and I don’t do it for just anyone. For the most part people get me most of the time, and for those I say thank you. *bows and hands over all her graham crackers*

In other news, I got a new sidekick! Yay for the sidekick life. It’s the new LX. It’s sleek, it’s sexy and it gets me hot. Well not HOT HOT, but luke warm.

Anywho, lunch time…life time…work time.

-J