1.Your ex is on the side of the road, on fire. What do you do?
Call AAA. Let em roast for a little bit.
2.Your best friend tells you she is pregnant. What is your reaction?
You know, you could’ve just blown the guy.
3.When is the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
Haha, you said “face”. I think the better question is, when do I not want to punch someone on their face. There are a lot of assholes out there. The last time was today. I was at a deli getting lunches for a meeting. At this deli there are numbers for you to pull to wait in line. This douche bag traipses in like he’s some fuckin’ Casanova ready to swoon the store clerk who is reorganizing all the tasty treats. Never mind that the store clerk was a guy. Whatever. He walks right up to the front of the counter and pretends that no one else exists. And totally ignores the fact that people are holding little blue tickets and numbers are being called. I wanted to scuff his ridiculously white Nike’s and then write him a rude letter where at some point, I call him a douche bag and his mom a whore. I don’t know…something to make him cry and rethink those white Nikes.
4.Congratulations! You just had a son. What's his name?
”Amillionbucks”. Cuz somehow a woman got me pregnant.
5.Congratulations! You just had a daughter. What's her name?
6.What are you craving right now?
Jimboy’s Mexican food. Cuz it’s the shit. And it has a drive through.
7.What was the last thing you cried about?
8.When you buy something and your change is a penny. Do you keep it?
I HATE CHANGE. I gave away 95 cents the other day. To me it is not worth how heavy it is…how you have to fumble through it…how it just like drops and rolls away. And ugh…no.
9.What color is your tissue box?
click it betch
10.Do you have a ceiling fan in your room, and if so, is there dust on that fan?
Are you asking me to take my top off?
11.What is the last voicemail you received about?
Blockbuster kindly [rudely] reminding me to return their damn movies. You know I have a real bone to pick with them. They offer this “no late fee” policy. But they don’t tell you that some angry divorced middle aged women that secretly resents her kids because she has to go to PTA night every Monday, when she would really like to go to lesbian karaoke night with “janet”, is going to call every other day and yell at you to return their movies. You know what, it’s not even worth it. I’ll return the damn movies on time.
12.Scariest thing you've experienced in the last year?
13.what do you order when you go to Taco Bell?
Fuck yes. this is the best question ever. ½ lb cheesy bean and rice burrito with NO SAUCE OR ONIONS, a chicken soft taco SUPREME, and a regular taco. Write that down.
14.Have you ever had a garage sale?
Oh please I’ve got so much junk in my trunk.
15.Has anyone ever spat in your drink and you drank it unknowingly?
I’m not answering this question because you said “spat”. That’s lame.
16.Are you happy right now?
Absolutely. I’m in mint condition.
17.Who came over last?
Ah-Kah-Shay and potato salad.
18.What is your reaction when you find out you just got pranked?
I go “Oh my god….ASHTON….you soooo got me. You jerk. I’m calling Demi…..you ass….oh my god… you got me.”
19.Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
All the time. I’m an only child, by the way. Maybe if you cared to ask you’d know that.
20.Dark or light jeans?
Like on my floor? Any jean on my floor is good. It just means that whoever is over, is wearing no pants. And we all know what that means…….leg shaving party! Woooo.
21.What was the last movie you watched at home?
The Hills Have Eyes 2 Unrated = stupid.
22.What is in your pocket?
My lip ring. I have to take it out for work.
23.Who hooked you up with your girlfriend/ boyfriend?
I don’t have one. Thanks for reminding me you jack ass.
24.Where do you hurt?
My heart! After question 23, I’m really fuckin sad.
25.What is your favorite aisle at Wal-Mart?
Whatever aisle I can find “cuntchips”. They’re like sunchips, but better.
26.When is your birthday?
November 18th. But feel free to send birthday gifts all year long. Don’t worry if I don’t like them, I’ll sell them on ebay. Along with your card.
27.What are you going to do after this?
Track down some cheese for my face.
28. Who was the last person you went shopping with?
AKSHAY! He’s so fantastic. Why have gay boys if you don’t shop with them?!
29.What about your favorite dessert?
What about it?! Cheesecake. MMM….give me some strawberries
30.Do you have the same name as one of your relatives?
No but can I say for the record, that’s a kind of stupid question, and I expected more. Seriously…
32.Do you like pickles?
I think pickles are the devil’s small bastard children.
33.Is someone in love with you?
I’m not self righteous. I have plenty of that in my life already.
34.What color is your couch?
A deep forest green by day, and hot pink leather by night. *cracks whips and stands with one heel on the couch* Problem?
35.Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member?
No. But everyone thinks I am Angelina Jolie’s sister. I am like, “Ugh, no I am not, but I will sleep with you. Don’t swing that way? Aw, really. Don’t worry, you will. Let’s go. Shhhhh…just get into this panel van”.
36.Does someone like you right now?
37.Do you know anyone in jail / prison?
Again, are you asking me to take my top off? ALRIGHT!
38.Do you like the color green?
Only on your ass *over exaggerated wink* Yes. Yes I do.
39.How many hours did you sleep for last night?
I actually slept A LOT yesterday evening. I was in bed from like 6 on…I just kept chillin in bed watching TV. Harassed some people via text. Called some people…talked on the phone for two hours which was the highlight of my night…Yeah…life’s good.
40.Do you swear at your parents?
What the fuck do you think? No I don’t.
41.Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
I have an inkling….the lady at taco bell. Cuz I didn’t pay at the drive through. Just kidding…no but really, yeah, I think they are.