Monday, January 7, 2008

I Got Cheese On My Boob

You know what's funny? You think I'm kidding about my title. I'm so not. Let me paint you a picture. I'm in my work pants, a Hane's white t-shirt, slippers with Will and Grace playing in the background. I'm cooking me a little macaroni and cheese, you know, a typical night for me. My macaroni is done and it's ready for the cheese. The cheese is in this ridiculous foil/plastic pouch thing. Although it's fun to rub on your boobs and squish between your hands and cheeks, it's nearly impossible to get open. Even though it has tons of little notches on both ends, no one with normal human strength could really tear it open. And for some reason I don't own a pair of scissors. So I use a knife to hack into the end of it and tore it open. Normally, I prefer to just clip the corner off so that way i can squeeze every last drop of cheese out. But this got cut down the middle and torn open. So now there is no clean and efficient way to get the cheese out. I mean, the majority of it came out in a big glob, but there was so much left in the creases and corners of the package that I couldn't throw it away. I was like, switching the thing from hand to hand...cheese is dropping out and getting on the counter...I start shaking the bag...some more cheese falls out..I pull out my dyke fingers and start scraping at the bag. It was so tragic and pathetic; I fumbled the whole time. Kind of like my "first time". Except no one got off. And what was left was a joke of a meal and cheese on my boob. Not even on my boob. On my shirt, on my boob. If it were on my boob and not my shirt, I might have been able to pay someone to lick it off. Fuck that, I would have licked it off. But it's on my shirt. So the only person willing to lick it off is Chloe. And well, I'm pretty sure that would be frowned upon.

So last night was the L Word premiere. Sadly I do not have cable. But I did catch it online and was told that I didn't miss much on the live showing. I got a call from Arlan saying that Rachel Shelley was all in her presence and stuff. Can we just stop and give a moment of silence at how fucking hot Rachel Shelley is, please? I mean, the hair, the bod and the accent. And to be honest, her bad attitude in earlier seasons didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth at all. In fact, it was pretty fuckin' hot.

So later on in the night I get a text from Arlan saying that Paris Hilton was there. I mean, I don't even know what to think about that. Whatever. So I got a link today with pictures from last night...check them out if you dare. I like to think that in the picture of her whispering in Ilene's ear, she's saying "You suck for killing off Dana. And you better think twice if you ever want to stay in any of my choice hotels". And what is with Kate hanging out with Paris?! Doesn't Kate know that Paris didn't get the Hilton fortune. Fuck. We don't need Paris on our team. She's the straight girl who makes out with chicks for the attention from guys. Okay, okay. I'll reconsider if she agrees to do a sex tape with another chick with night vision and heavy eyeliner. But that is the ONLY way I'll rethink it. And how is it that in nearly every picture I see of Paris, her mouth is open? I mean, is it just out of habit? She's given so many blow jobs that now it just kind of hangs open?

Anyways...yay for L Word being on. Yay that Monday is over. And yay that I'm in bed watching a movie and totally relaxed.

OH and...up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, b, a, select, select, start.



-J

PS. I still have cheese on my boob.

4 comments:

cheesyflatulence said...

cheeses are hott! *slurp*

Aimeetoons said...

no ma'am... you do NOT have a clip of contra on your blog.
How are we NOT friends yet?? LOL!!!
I have you had Kraft's White Cheddar mac&cheese? It's powdered cheese tho, not so great for the whole boobage thing LOL

highlymelgeson said...

I woke my psycho dogs up laughing at this. Funny you are.

Princesa said...

OMG too cute cracked me up at work! Then I scroll down and there is contra the original, the second level (waterfall I think its called) the one I can never pass. Just a still because I tried clicking on the vid and it is no longer available. I was just playing this the other day and thinking that I suck for not being able to pass it. Now when I get home I am going to blow the hell out of my wannabe nintendo (it never works and I get tired of hitting the damn reset button) and play this game till I beat that level.