Thursday, January 3, 2008

freewrite

**this is a journal. i am disabling comments. just because it's being posted today, doesn't mean that's what i feel today. feelings were pulled from years ago, months ago, hours ago, seconds ago from different people and from a different me. but all that really doesn't matter. please don't question my intention, my feelings or what this whole thing is about. it's my heart in no particular form.**

this comes too late. heavy on my chest and restricting my breath.
by no means a writer, by no means a lyricist. i'm writing and screaming it out. free. and clear. i don't care who stumbles by and hears. innocence, free and true. got scared when it grabbed a hold of you. grabbed your hand and led the way. you feared all that you had to say. coming from your heart and coming from within. afraid to walk that line again, i cant blame you. your lack of trust a pistol aimed at your own heart. no trust in yourself to not tear this whole thing apart. no trust in the heart staring back at you. yearning to be let in, holding back fearing of how it would end. let go. just let go, taunted me again and again. pulled out this supple red heart and sewed it on my crisp white sleeve. Creased and clean, oh so naive. in and out of love we went. to be honest i'd do it again. but there was a cold, hard barrel of a gun pressed hard against your chest, and no trust in your lack of grip. so turn it out, turn it around. look at what you found. i'm the old to all of your new. my thriving, red heart borrowed and returned, stone, cold and blue. all the lyrical fuck you's. things exaggerated, unfounded and untrue. i am too a guilty party, ran my mouth in hopes to figure out you. went about it the wrong way, but trust never malicious in any way. hate me, i do too. whatever is easiest for you. intimate moments belittled and divulged making me feel like a fool. bedroom lies through eyes. seen through a one way mirror, my thoughts, words and heart left unheard. saw what you thought you wanted to see, and believed what you wanted to hear. hard to think that i'd still be here. through it all, ready to make amends and quite possibly, begin again? don't group me with the rest of them. forgiving and understanding of this life we can all call hell. i've got this, and i've got that, but then somehow lonely again. how could it be true? despising everything in others, you can't bare to think is true in you. believe me, i know and i knew, and its what drew me. to you. it became a game that i didn't care to win. so much trust in the grip of mine to hold tight, but you were right. now its clear and i can see. learned to forge ahead and start a new. i thank you for that. a mistake will never be called you and me. delicate space between, but intimately intertwined our hearts will be. from a distance, and its nice. to step up for you, i wouldnt think twice. stronger for what we've been through, its definitely true. i'm here. i'll always pick up that call on me from you. moved on and learning i look forward to our next chapter. whatever it may be, but lets let it be clean. clean from tear stains and regrets. after all, we've done all that before. i'm mopping up this red blood on the floor; i'll wear this bleeding heavy heart on my sleeve no more. sorry for what went wrong and i'll gladly take back my knife. lets get busy living this dream called life. we're alright.

-J