Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

1.Your ex is on the side of the road, on fire. What do you do?
Call AAA. Let em roast for a little bit.

2.Your best friend tells you she is pregnant. What is your reaction?
You know, you could’ve just blown the guy.

3.When is the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
Haha, you said “face”. I think the better question is, when do I not want to punch someone on their face. There are a lot of assholes out there. The last time was today. I was at a deli getting lunches for a meeting. At this deli there are numbers for you to pull to wait in line. This douche bag traipses in like he’s some fuckin’ Casanova ready to swoon the store clerk who is reorganizing all the tasty treats. Never mind that the store clerk was a guy. Whatever. He walks right up to the front of the counter and pretends that no one else exists. And totally ignores the fact that people are holding little blue tickets and numbers are being called. I wanted to scuff his ridiculously white Nike’s and then write him a rude letter where at some point, I call him a douche bag and his mom a whore. I don’t know…something to make him cry and rethink those white Nikes.

4.Congratulations! You just had a son. What's his name?
”Amillionbucks”. Cuz somehow a woman got me pregnant.

5.Congratulations! You just had a daughter. What's her name?
”holyshitim’awhore”

6.What are you craving right now?
Jimboy’s Mexican food. Cuz it’s the shit. And it has a drive through.

7.What was the last thing you cried about?



8.When you buy something and your change is a penny. Do you keep it?
I HATE CHANGE. I gave away 95 cents the other day. To me it is not worth how heavy it is…how you have to fumble through it…how it just like drops and rolls away. And ugh…no.

9.What color is your tissue box?
click it betch

10.Do you have a ceiling fan in your room, and if so, is there dust on that fan?
Are you asking me to take my top off?

11.What is the last voicemail you received about?
Blockbuster kindly [rudely] reminding me to return their damn movies. You know I have a real bone to pick with them. They offer this “no late fee” policy. But they don’t tell you that some angry divorced middle aged women that secretly resents her kids because she has to go to PTA night every Monday, when she would really like to go to lesbian karaoke night with “janet”, is going to call every other day and yell at you to return their movies. You know what, it’s not even worth it. I’ll return the damn movies on time.

12.Scariest thing you've experienced in the last year?
lesbians.

13.what do you order when you go to Taco Bell?
Fuck yes. this is the best question ever. ½ lb cheesy bean and rice burrito with NO SAUCE OR ONIONS, a chicken soft taco SUPREME, and a regular taco. Write that down.

14.Have you ever had a garage sale?
Oh please I’ve got so much junk in my trunk.

15.Has anyone ever spat in your drink and you drank it unknowingly?
I’m not answering this question because you said “spat”. That’s lame.

16.Are you happy right now?
Absolutely. I’m in mint condition.

17.Who came over last?
Ah-Kah-Shay and potato salad.

18.What is your reaction when you find out you just got pranked?
I go “Oh my god….ASHTON….you soooo got me. You jerk. I’m calling Demi…..you ass….oh my god… you got me.”

19.Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
All the time. I’m an only child, by the way. Maybe if you cared to ask you’d know that.

20.Dark or light jeans?
Like on my floor? Any jean on my floor is good. It just means that whoever is over, is wearing no pants. And we all know what that means…….leg shaving party! Woooo.

21.What was the last movie you watched at home?
The Hills Have Eyes 2 Unrated = stupid.

22.What is in your pocket?
My lip ring. I have to take it out for work.

23.Who hooked you up with your girlfriend/ boyfriend?
I don’t have one. Thanks for reminding me you jack ass.

24.Where do you hurt?
My heart! After question 23, I’m really fuckin sad.

25.What is your favorite aisle at Wal-Mart?
Whatever aisle I can find “cuntchips”. They’re like sunchips, but better.

26.When is your birthday?
November 18th. But feel free to send birthday gifts all year long. Don’t worry if I don’t like them, I’ll sell them on ebay. Along with your card.

27.What are you going to do after this?
Track down some cheese for my face.

28. Who was the last person you went shopping with?
AKSHAY! He’s so fantastic. Why have gay boys if you don’t shop with them?!

29.What about your favorite dessert?
What about it?! Cheesecake. MMM….give me some strawberries

30.Do you have the same name as one of your relatives?
No but can I say for the record, that’s a kind of stupid question, and I expected more. Seriously…

32.Do you like pickles?
I think pickles are the devil’s small bastard children.

33.Is someone in love with you?
I’m not self righteous. I have plenty of that in my life already.

34.What color is your couch?
A deep forest green by day, and hot pink leather by night. *cracks whips and stands with one heel on the couch* Problem?

35.Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member?
No. But everyone thinks I am Angelina Jolie’s sister. I am like, “Ugh, no I am not, but I will sleep with you. Don’t swing that way? Aw, really. Don’t worry, you will. Let’s go. Shhhhh…just get into this panel van”.

36.Does someone like you right now?
*blush*

37.Do you know anyone in jail / prison?
Again, are you asking me to take my top off? ALRIGHT!

38.Do you like the color green?
Only on your ass *over exaggerated wink* Yes. Yes I do.

39.How many hours did you sleep for last night?
I actually slept A LOT yesterday evening. I was in bed from like 6 on…I just kept chillin in bed watching TV. Harassed some people via text. Called some people…talked on the phone for two hours which was the highlight of my night…Yeah…life’s good.

40.Do you swear at your parents?
What the fuck do you think? No I don’t.

41.Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
I have an inkling….the lady at taco bell. Cuz I didn’t pay at the drive through. Just kidding…no but really, yeah, I think they are.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Kashi GO Feck Yourself

I’m kind of on a health kick. Startiiiiiiing...........
.
.
.
.
.
Now.

Well technically, I was on this “health kick” yesterday during the day, buuuuut then Jess went out and had some drinks. I ended my night with water though! Who the hell am I kidding, that doesn’t mean a damn thing. But it is a start.

So I’m on this health kick right? I had a slim fast and this special k, frosted flake, no corn starch, fatty acid, low carb, one-bag-only-contains-5-pieces fantastical snack for breakfast. THEN, cruised over and got some water. Being sure to pass by all the cookies and frosted snack cakes lying around work. And at lunch I had a Cajun chicken tostada salad thing. And now I am chomping on some fruit. That’s good right? I know the day is young, but my goal is to have soup for dinner and be totally full. Doubt it’ll happen. You’ll probably find me at La Vic’s tonight knee deep in cheese quesadilla’s with melted cheese stuck to my cheek.

They say one way to help lose weight and tone up is to keep a diary or a journal of all the things you eat. So I got this little 2008 planner and I have been writing down everything that passes my lips. Well not everything that passes my lips. *stares off while imagination runs wild* Nevermind. But the problem with this journal thing is I’m logging all the awesome food I’m eating and then reading about it later. And I find myself going “Damn, those cheese enchiladas were hella good…..ohhhh then I had a cookie. That’s nice. And it was chocolate chip too. What else did I have….hmm…….oh shit, I did have those three babybel cheeses. Fuck, now I’m hungry”. Not. A. Good. Idea. Unless you eat nothing but tofu and onion rings. Then in that case, log away my friend because who the hell wants to go back and read about that?!

Update:
It is true. Ms. Dewey is Papi from L word. I invite you all to just sit around and watch that damn search engine. She’s hella hot. Lord, oh lord.

I’ve got crap to do, including logging all my wonderful food today. Then I am going to In The Company of Dogs to spoil the hell outta Chloe. So I am going to head out but I leave you with this:

You’re Awesome. *high fives you*

Magical. I know, I felt it too.

-J

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Random Things

So here's a little randomness for your Wednesday...

Random Websites:

At work and you forgot your ipod at home? Yeah happens to me all the time....navigate your ass to
songza.com

Ebaums's World. Hilarious soundboards that you can use to crank call people. They also have recordings of the soundboards being used. My favorite is of our "Governator" Arnold.
click!

Random Lyrics for your head on hump day:

I was feelin’ like a creep
As I watched you asleep
Face down in the grass,
in the park, in the middle
of a hot afternoon
Your top was untied
And I thought how nice
It’d be to follow the sweat down your spine

You’re like my best friend
aw after a good, good drunk
You and me wake up and make love after a deep sleep
Where I was Dreamin’, I was Dreamin’ of a
Dreamgirl


Random Song Remix:
Tegan and Sara - Walking with a Ghost (The Rentals Remix)








****I found the "crash into me" remix that I wanted to post on here earlier, but didn't because I couldn't find it. I love it :]

Dave Matthews Band - Crash Into Me (Remix)





Random Facts:
-The clock in my car is 23 minutes fast.
-I put vaseline on my lips at night so they are super soft when I wake up.
-I have perfected the high five. Trust me.
-I have the
sexiest pack of gum you will ever see.

Random Loved picture:
Me and my Grandma playing at an arcade. I love her face.




Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting




Happy Hump Day!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Updates Galore

1. My computer crashed AGAIN. So, it’s being written off as a lemon. I was always told if life gives you lemons make lemonade, but geek squad said they’d give me a new computer. So I said, “Okay, I hate regular lemonade anyways”.
2. I might be moving to a house on a street called “Clintonia”. Every time I say “Clintonia” I think “clit”. I wish it was “Clitonia”.
3. I didn’t sign onto myspace for a week. It felt fantastic.
4. Slimfast is heaven.
5. I went insane for a day and thought I would cut cheese out of my diet thinking it was making me gain weight. When I saw how grumpy I was, I decided that for the sake of all the loved ones in my life, I’d continue my cheese indulgence, just for them. I’m happy again.
6. I haven’t seen any full episodes of L word yet. I only saw the online premiere. It sucks. BUT it’s kind of nice knowing that I am going to play catch up and probably watch all the episodes back to back. High five for no cable.
7. I was surfing the web a while ago and found this website. I swear to god it’s the actress that plays Papi on L Word. I could be wrong. If that’s the case, I owe you some bread in a can.
8. Yes, I did say bread in a can. I received some bread in a can from a good ole’ cheese lovin’ co worker of mine. I’ll just call her Sanders. But we can call the bread insane for having 130 calories per serving and 8 servings per can.
9. I’ve learned that some people never grow up. And that you can’t make them. So if you plan on being in my life, let’s keep the game playing to a minimum. Because I wont stay around to put up with it. And that’s me, being blunt and to the point. If you don’t like it, put a comment in my suggestion box. I go through it weekly, and take it all into consideration [set it on fire].
10. I like “shoes” <3


Hope life is treating you all well. I am going to try and write blogs on my sidekick and post them when I can. I'm getting desperate, I know.

FYI: My boobs miss your boobs. Let's set up a play date.

-J

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

This is ME Exuding "Niceness"

Let me just start off by reminding you guys that I am weird. Weird random things piss me off. Just the sight of them. For instance, yellow smiley faces. Douche bags. Cans of soda that are made to look and sound like name brand soda, but soooo aren't.

Okay, I understand that not everyone can afford name brand, or just don't care and like to save a dime or two. Whatever floats your boat. But do these companies really feel the need to make their product almost identical to name brand? There's no point in this. People who are buying the knock off know they are buying a knock off and for good reason. Don't be an ass and insult my intelligence by putting Aunt Jemimo syrup on the shelf next to Aunt Jemima. And have Aunt Jemimo have slightly smaller tits and a little bit saggier ass. All it does is for the next six months (does syrup even expire?) is remind me, every fuckin time I open up my cupboard, that I got Aunt Jemimo. She's not nearly as hot as Aunt Jemima. And let's face it, she's a little slutty.


Hmm so tangents are cool. Moving back to the point. I'm starting a petition to do away with the playboy bunny icon. I'm sick of it. It's so uncalled for. And who the hell decided it cool in the first place? Does having it tattooed on your ass make you hot? Absolutely not. And it sure as hell doesn't make you one of Heffner's ladies. It just makes you a knock off brand. So fuckin stop it already.

And while I'm at it, something else that makes me sick is the As Seen On TV bullshit. Seriously?! It's all just CRAP. Like really, some guy was sitting at home and wanted to make it rich. So he was like, "Hey, I don't really want to work hard for my money, so I'll just come up with some crap that people will want to buy. I'll hire actors to do testimonies on how much they love my product, and money will just fall on my lap". I refuse to support those jerk off's. And seriously, I can't even look at their website without wanting to stab myself in the eye with a spork.

This site rules me.

I'm off to watch a movie and harass people via text. It'll be glorious.

-J

Monday, January 7, 2008

I Got Cheese On My Boob

You know what's funny? You think I'm kidding about my title. I'm so not. Let me paint you a picture. I'm in my work pants, a Hane's white t-shirt, slippers with Will and Grace playing in the background. I'm cooking me a little macaroni and cheese, you know, a typical night for me. My macaroni is done and it's ready for the cheese. The cheese is in this ridiculous foil/plastic pouch thing. Although it's fun to rub on your boobs and squish between your hands and cheeks, it's nearly impossible to get open. Even though it has tons of little notches on both ends, no one with normal human strength could really tear it open. And for some reason I don't own a pair of scissors. So I use a knife to hack into the end of it and tore it open. Normally, I prefer to just clip the corner off so that way i can squeeze every last drop of cheese out. But this got cut down the middle and torn open. So now there is no clean and efficient way to get the cheese out. I mean, the majority of it came out in a big glob, but there was so much left in the creases and corners of the package that I couldn't throw it away. I was like, switching the thing from hand to hand...cheese is dropping out and getting on the counter...I start shaking the bag...some more cheese falls out..I pull out my dyke fingers and start scraping at the bag. It was so tragic and pathetic; I fumbled the whole time. Kind of like my "first time". Except no one got off. And what was left was a joke of a meal and cheese on my boob. Not even on my boob. On my shirt, on my boob. If it were on my boob and not my shirt, I might have been able to pay someone to lick it off. Fuck that, I would have licked it off. But it's on my shirt. So the only person willing to lick it off is Chloe. And well, I'm pretty sure that would be frowned upon.

So last night was the L Word premiere. Sadly I do not have cable. But I did catch it online and was told that I didn't miss much on the live showing. I got a call from Arlan saying that Rachel Shelley was all in her presence and stuff. Can we just stop and give a moment of silence at how fucking hot Rachel Shelley is, please? I mean, the hair, the bod and the accent. And to be honest, her bad attitude in earlier seasons didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth at all. In fact, it was pretty fuckin' hot.

So later on in the night I get a text from Arlan saying that Paris Hilton was there. I mean, I don't even know what to think about that. Whatever. So I got a link today with pictures from last night...check them out if you dare. I like to think that in the picture of her whispering in Ilene's ear, she's saying "You suck for killing off Dana. And you better think twice if you ever want to stay in any of my choice hotels". And what is with Kate hanging out with Paris?! Doesn't Kate know that Paris didn't get the Hilton fortune. Fuck. We don't need Paris on our team. She's the straight girl who makes out with chicks for the attention from guys. Okay, okay. I'll reconsider if she agrees to do a sex tape with another chick with night vision and heavy eyeliner. But that is the ONLY way I'll rethink it. And how is it that in nearly every picture I see of Paris, her mouth is open? I mean, is it just out of habit? She's given so many blow jobs that now it just kind of hangs open?

Anyways...yay for L Word being on. Yay that Monday is over. And yay that I'm in bed watching a movie and totally relaxed.

OH and...up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, b, a, select, select, start.



-J

PS. I still have cheese on my boob.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Requesting Some Enlightenment

oh and.....mmmmm.



i agree with every last word of this song.

-J

Thursday, January 3, 2008

freewrite

**this is a journal. i am disabling comments. just because it's being posted today, doesn't mean that's what i feel today. feelings were pulled from years ago, months ago, hours ago, seconds ago from different people and from a different me. but all that really doesn't matter. please don't question my intention, my feelings or what this whole thing is about. it's my heart in no particular form.**

this comes too late. heavy on my chest and restricting my breath.
by no means a writer, by no means a lyricist. i'm writing and screaming it out. free. and clear. i don't care who stumbles by and hears. innocence, free and true. got scared when it grabbed a hold of you. grabbed your hand and led the way. you feared all that you had to say. coming from your heart and coming from within. afraid to walk that line again, i cant blame you. your lack of trust a pistol aimed at your own heart. no trust in yourself to not tear this whole thing apart. no trust in the heart staring back at you. yearning to be let in, holding back fearing of how it would end. let go. just let go, taunted me again and again. pulled out this supple red heart and sewed it on my crisp white sleeve. Creased and clean, oh so naive. in and out of love we went. to be honest i'd do it again. but there was a cold, hard barrel of a gun pressed hard against your chest, and no trust in your lack of grip. so turn it out, turn it around. look at what you found. i'm the old to all of your new. my thriving, red heart borrowed and returned, stone, cold and blue. all the lyrical fuck you's. things exaggerated, unfounded and untrue. i am too a guilty party, ran my mouth in hopes to figure out you. went about it the wrong way, but trust never malicious in any way. hate me, i do too. whatever is easiest for you. intimate moments belittled and divulged making me feel like a fool. bedroom lies through eyes. seen through a one way mirror, my thoughts, words and heart left unheard. saw what you thought you wanted to see, and believed what you wanted to hear. hard to think that i'd still be here. through it all, ready to make amends and quite possibly, begin again? don't group me with the rest of them. forgiving and understanding of this life we can all call hell. i've got this, and i've got that, but then somehow lonely again. how could it be true? despising everything in others, you can't bare to think is true in you. believe me, i know and i knew, and its what drew me. to you. it became a game that i didn't care to win. so much trust in the grip of mine to hold tight, but you were right. now its clear and i can see. learned to forge ahead and start a new. i thank you for that. a mistake will never be called you and me. delicate space between, but intimately intertwined our hearts will be. from a distance, and its nice. to step up for you, i wouldnt think twice. stronger for what we've been through, its definitely true. i'm here. i'll always pick up that call on me from you. moved on and learning i look forward to our next chapter. whatever it may be, but lets let it be clean. clean from tear stains and regrets. after all, we've done all that before. i'm mopping up this red blood on the floor; i'll wear this bleeding heavy heart on my sleeve no more. sorry for what went wrong and i'll gladly take back my knife. lets get busy living this dream called life. we're alright.

-J