Sunday, November 30, 2008

It's the holidays...

...and its cold! What could we all do to beat the chill? What better way than to heat up the sheets with your better half by getting it on. If you can't stand the holiday's with the fam, why not sneak off to a coat closet and do a little "hope-we-dont-get-caught sex". It'll burn calories AND make that dreaded holiday party go by fast.

I was reading aol and they had a great list of types of sex every couple should enjoy. It'll light sparks, burn calories, and bring you closer to your partner. So check out the list below, and then tell me how it goes. :]

Make-Up Sex

A passionate argument can lead to some just-as-passionate action between the sheets. Fighting causes dopamine and adrenaline levels to rise, making you and your partner excitable in more ways than one. Every couple faces occasional conflict, and sex after a disagreement can be a great way to get your relationship back on track. "When you're upset with each other, you need to be able to get over it and move on," says Fertel. "Sex changes the momentum after an argument."

Vacation Sex

The two of you may be tucked away in a private room, but the deed can still feel thrillingly public. And those crisp, clean sheets are just begging to be rumpled. Best of all, a vacation can be a great opportunity to re-connect with your partner sexually. "One of the benefits of a vacation should be to renew your sexual intimacy,” Fertel says. If you usually plan every minute of a trip, make sure you schedule time for sex. For example, plan to stay at the hotel until mid-morning or to come right back to your room after dinner for a relaxing night together.

Animalistic Sex

A sense of urgency can turn up the heat in a major way. Being aggressive can be fun and unexpected -- romance with a twist. After all, it's an element of mystery that defines romance. "It's when you don't quite know what to expect," Fertel says. So if you're in the mood, ripping each other's clothes off and skimping on foreplay could be an exciting change of pace.

Comfort Sex

Like meatloaf and mashed potatoes, sometimes you just need something that's simple, familiar and satisfying. It's one way to provide love and support when you or your partner has had a rough day or is feeling down. This is when it might be time to use your favorite stand-by position, one that you and your partner always enjoy. "When it comes to the climax, sometimes it needs to be in a certain way, and that's OK," says Fertel.

Hope-We-Don't-Get-Caught Sex

If you're at a boring party or family gathering, add a little spice to the evening by sneaking away to the spare bedroom. The possibility of getting caught adds a new level of excitement to your sex life and can even give you a reason to look forward to spending the holidays with the in-laws.

Fulfill-Your-Fantasy Sex

Everyone has sexual fantasies, and as long as both you and your partner feel comfortable acting them out, there's no reason you shouldn't try them. "We should be pursuing each other's fantasies, assuming they're appropriate," says Fertel. For example, if your partner has always dreamed of doing the deed on a boat, why not rent one and spend a romantic night at sea? All aboard!

Quickie Sex

If you're pressed for time, don't write off sex just yet -- this is when "the quickie" comes in handy. Just make sure it's something both parties want; an unfulfilling experience for either one of you can foster resentment and, over time, weaken the relationship. When someone says yes to sex when she really means no, "she's not doing him a favor; she's making a mistake," Fertel says. "It will turn her off to him sexually long-term."

Romantic, Sensual Sex

Taking the time savor sex without rushing through it can be luxurious and fulfilling on many levels. Connecting with your partner by taking it slow means you get to enjoy every moment of being together and lets you take advantage of the emotional connection that makes sex better. Whether it takes candles, music or some bubbly, building the mood can provide a major boost between the sheets.

All-Over-the-House Sex

Switching up your lovemaking location can be a great way to inject some spontaneity into a relationship, which in turn can make your partner feel even more desirable. "Spontaneity is beautiful. It's fun and exciting," says Fertel. "Too often, people get into a routine where they have sex at the same time, at the same place." If you and your partner are doing the laundry together, for example, pulling him or her close for a quick rendezvous can be surprising and refreshing. It's good, clean fun -- no detergent required!

Outdoor Sex

You tell your kids to go play outside -- now it's time to practice what you preach! Bringing your sexual escapades outside can be fun and invigorating. If you're camping in a tent or live on a large piece of property, those can be great opportunities to try something new. But to avoid legal problems, it's best to keep your shenanigans private. "The caution is to make sure you're somewhere where you could not be in the public eye," Fertel says. So venture outside to learn more about the birds and the bees.

Position of the Week Sex

Trying out a new position offers the chance to learn more about what brings your partner pleasure. Some positions work better than others for helping a woman orgasm, and experimenting with new ones can give you a better feel for what works -- and what doesn't. Mixing it up keeps sex fresh and prevents it from becoming routine, Fertel says. That makes it more likely you and your partner will keep doing it -- literally.

Marathon Sex

Come rain, snow, sleet or hail, when the weather gets frightful this winter there's no better excuse to spend an entire day in bed. Think of it as Bedroom Olympics. Work together for a common goal, like breaking your record for how many times you can do the horizontal tango in a row. When your sexual energy is finally tapped out, you'll both be exhausted and satisfied.

http://www.tbd.com/group/3/discussion/840790/show

I was also reading on AOL earlier this week that a minister of a large congregation challenged his church goers to try having sex everyday for a week. His thought was to bring sex "back to god" and help stimulate fizzling out marriages. There were tons of responses and I was surprised to see that most couldn't do it for seven days in a row. Geez! You treat it like doing laundry and it'll get boring and un-meaningful, just like laundry.

I think I could definitely take on this challenge. Its a testament to how you want to make your partner feel. You can hold their hand, open doors, actively listen when they talk and make them laugh, but the connection that happens when you prove to them physically they're your number one is something that cant be matched. I feel the kind of love and spark you feel towards a person when its the right one, can't be described in words, and shouldn't be! Taking the time to excite and pleasure your partner shows them how important they are to you deep down and how there isn't anyone out there that can make them feel like you make them feel.

Imagine getting it on under christmas tree lights! Heh, that would be awesome!

Happy holidays,

-J

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Sex

Yup. It's fun, it's homeopathic, and its only boring and lame if you make it boring and lame.

These ladies would agree. And I'm umm...happy they do. Cause two are on my celebrity freebee list :]

Scarlett Johanson:
"Sex in a car. If I were in a really raunchy frame of mind wanting something crazy and kinky, the back seat would be it." -Talking about her sexual fantasy with me in the back of my solara.

Megan Fox:
"I really enjoy having sex, and that's offensive to some people. Women are the quickest to call other women sluts, which is sad. I haven't met a lot of men who've said, 'You like having sex? What a dirty whore you are!' That's because they wish their wives or girlfriends would have more sex with them." - Can I make my list larger? So I can...ya know, have her on it? Even though she is engaged to guy, I'd still give it a whack

Angelina Jolie:
"You're young, you're drunk, you're in bed, you have knives; shit happens..." - I'll take all of that with her, minus the knives.

Kate Hudson [yum]:
"Sexual energy really does drive me. ...My mother's the same as me. My parents always said, 'Sex is the best thing in the world...When you start having it you're going to love it. But it's that much better when you love somebody, so just remember that." - This is hotter than what Angelina, Megan AND Scarlett said. Nom nom nom...

and my favorite...god love her...

Dolly Parton:
"When I have sex with my husband these days, I fantasize I am with someone like Keith Urban or a petite, hot young woman." - H.O.T.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!

Be safe!

-J

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

For all my ravers

I saw this guy live about 2 years ago at the DC Improv. Really hilarious. His name is Pablo Francisco. He will be rolling through the San Jose Improv this coming New Years. If you have a chance to check him out, he is a must see. If you are broke like me, just watch youtube vids :]



It's Tuesday huh? Damn it. Well for those of you who are in the SF area...Uh Huh Her is performing tonight at the Filmore. What a great venue and what a great freaking band. I would have killed to go to this performance at such a small intimate venue. If you're going, have fun!

The rest of ya'll be safe whatever you do and if you're broke like me, have fun at home!

Haha!

-J

Monday, November 3, 2008

I miss you now

Its that time again. Called on like an old friend. Consistent and precise, it happens from time and time. The overwhelming urge to see you your face in front of me again. Bright and shiny like I remember. All of you before it all became unglued. I miss you now. Thought I had the strength to make it better, to make it all worth while. For you, I wanted to be. What you needed. Wrapped up in my own world, but selfishly persistent to bring you back to you. The one always there, when no one else could be found. My best friend. Memories trapped in this box I call my mind. You live here. Through my own life, my own drama, my own angst, you've stayed in that little box you now call your home. You live here. And I miss you now. I see those tattoos and I see you. And the face, that always helped me through. It's that time of year. Every year, I shed one less tear. Among millions, hard to think it makes a difference. Hard to think it gets easier. I miss you now. More than ever. And it happens every year. Fall comes along with all of its gray, and sweeps into a bright red heart, pumping so young, and fruitless, unaware of that part of you that is getting me through. Your strength, shot into my heart, with tired, shaky hands. Hard to trust that its for the better. I miss you now. I don't remember the wrinkles of your face, the strength of your hands, the brilliance of your mind. Wish I could rediscover it all again. Because this time I'd take note. I'd let you make your mark on this life I call mine. I'd let you in. Again and again, and not take advantage of the love you shared. I miss you now. And again.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Pop my cherry

Arlan. On Cherry Bomb on AfterEllen

Check it below:



Happy Halloween. I'm off to be a fallen (slutty) angel with my girl. Be safe!

-J

Monday, October 27, 2008

Know what I hate...

People who, as they are drinking water from a water bottle, squeeze the hell out of the water bottle; leaving it in smithereens.

You might as well shotgun a beer and then squish the can with your bare hands and throw it on the floor, really hard.


I'm in a bad mood, and will tolerate no level of doucheyness.

How the hell do you spell doucheyness? Who cares.

That's all I have to say today.

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Thursday, October 23, 2008

Vote NO

Okay so my gf is working on a paper for Proposition 8. First off, anyone who would actively go out of their way to work to DENY people the right to be with and marry who they want, they suck. No really. There are people out there, that I can't even swallow how they live their lives. The people they choose to be with. Not to mention religious fanatics that devote their time to putting others down, making impressionable people believe that anyone who is gay is a lesser person "plagued" by their homosexual lifestyle, all in the name of a "god" they call "all loving and all excepting". Is it the duty of "god's" followers to be mindless, soulless servants soldiering his words of love and forgiveness through degrading acts and hateful words upon a group of people through their rose colored glasses and their heterosexual world of privilege?

As I was reading, there are 1,400 privileges, both legally and economically, that heterosexual married couples enjoy and happily take advantage of. Some of the basic ones as "next-of-kin" during hospital visits, inheritance of estate in the absence of a will, domestic abuse situations, joint parent equality, medicare and social security.

I look at it this way, I like human beings that happen to have boobs, a vagina, shaved legs, that smell "heavenly". And straight women, they like human beings with a penis, two dangly things clinging on for the ride, hairy legs and chest, facial hair and that smell like wood shavings and axe body spray. I'm not asking you to sleep with women when I say, "let me love her" and I, by all means, wont be wishing to sleep with men when you say, "let me love him". Because isn't that what we do when we walk down the street and hold our partners hand? We are wearing this invisible sign that says accept me without shoving your morals and values down my throat". And I can promise, I will happily extend the same courtesy to you if you do the same for me.

You know how many douche bags I have seen holding this totally cute chicks hand? I see him turning around, staring at the other chicks, high fiving their buddies cuz they "just tapped that ass" and I look at her and say "you could do better". Just like they look at me and think "you have so much going for you, you could easily find a husband, you could do better". But it's not my place. In no other instance is okay for someone to force their opinions on someone else. If I see an obesely overweight person stuffing their face with endless quarter pounders, ice cream sandwiches and chili cheese fries from outback steakhouse piled high on their plate, it by no means would be okay for me to walk up to them and say, "Jesus Christ, slow down will you. God meant for you to eat healthy, so you can live a long healthy life. Start eating your vegetables". I'd be up shit creek without a raft for sure.

Anywho, point is, vote no on prop 8. And I promise that when I see little hottie with her douche bag boyfriend, I will respect her choice to be with whoever the fuck she wants to be with. Even if his name is Chad and drives a Silverado.

So I when I walk down the street holding my gf's hand, just look at me and smile, cuz I'm happy and that's all that matters.
I don't ask you to run around naked supporting it, but I ask you tolerate it, and let me do muh thang.

Alright, 'nuff of the lesbian thing, did you hear Lindsey got kicked off Ugly Better cuz she had a bad attitude? Even though she's muff diving, she's gotta clean up her act and be a good lesbian role model. Cause us lesbians, we hate dicks.

True story.

-J

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Gloria Jean's Coffees

"You can't brew a better bean". Touche, Gloria, touche. I didn't have a clever title for this post, so I just looked at my coffee cup. One thing I can say is, Gloria, my dear, I think there is someone who can brew a better bean. They're called Starbucks or Peets. If you truly brewed a better bean, it'd be called "Glorias". Hate to break it to ya. Truth hurts sometimes. Deal with it.

Man what a week. Yesterday felt like Friday to me. I guess that shows how ready I am for this weekend. I've been laying low these past couple of days, mainly because I have been sick. I went to make some soup last night, but I am all out. Everyone deserves soup when they are sick! But instead I had sunflower seeds...I suppose that explains why I am sick in the first place.

What is with this season though really? It was like freezing during summer months, got hotter during the fall months, and just this morning it was colder than Martha Stewarts vag. I'm wearing an eskimo jacket, like I'm Sarah Palin and living in Alaska. But unlike her, I can't see Russia from my house. But it's because I am sick. I look ridiculous though...I'm holding smoldering coffee, my heater is blasting hot air so hard that the fur on my eskimo jacket is blowing from the wind, and I still have my jacket on...in the lobby. I am a complete and utter baby when I am sick. I like cuddling and watching movies while I eat soup and someone strokes me until I fall asleep.

Heh. I said "stroke". If I were a guy that would be gross. Anywho...

I was watching a show called 30 Days. It's by the guy, Morgan Spurlock, who created that movie Supersize Me. He puts people that really should not be near each other, together for thirty days in an effort for them to gain some insight and broaden their horizons. For example, he put a pro-life advocate with a pro-choice supporter and let them live together and interact for thirty days.

The one I particularly enjoyed was one about same sex parenting. A mormon woman went and stayed with a gay couple that had four adopted children. She argues that no adopted child should grow up in a household with anything other than a male and female parent. First off, she'd be happier as a lesbian. Don't ask why thats relevant, it just is. Secondly, I beg to differ. What about single parent moms and dads? Is she arguing that children being raised by a single mom or a single dad will grow up defective? All that should matter is that the child is being raised in a loving home, where they can grow up, mature and evolve into an adult.

People like this make me sick. She spent the entire show arguing that others tolerate her point and that others accept her point. But yet she can't extend the same courtesy that she is asking for. Screw her. Tell her that the only person that will tolerate her ass, is God, and that's only because he created her. I don't have shit to do with you, and I have no problem takng my hand and slapping her across the face for her narrow minded, idiotic views.

And this is a free country. You are free to feel how you feel and think the way that you do. Where it crosses the line is when people start acting on their views, and forcing them on others. Its as simple as how people make a sandwich. Some like it cold, some like it hot. You can sit there and enjoy your pretentious brie and succulent thinly shaved pepper roast beef, sanGWICH on lightly toasted dutch crunch, with a splash of marzipan, cranberries and aged french dijon mustard. And I will enjoy my heartdy bacon, lettuce and tomato on white with mayo and CHEEEEEESE. I won't ask you for a bite of yours and you don't ask me for a bite of mine. Keep it to yo damn self.

Ugh. Not sure if that made sense, but I am hungry.

My agenda for the day:
- work.
- eat lunch.
- work some more.
- go home.
- wait for my safeway delivery at 7 :]
- unpack groceries
- eat soup
- shower
- crawl into bed with chloeface and watch surfthechannel.com until I fall asleep

Care to join? I could sure use the company...

Tonight's lezzy night in San Jo, don't do anything I wouldn't! That only leaves having sex with men. LOL, enjoy!

-J

Shit...it's only 10:30 :[




Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Yessss

Is it just me, or do acoustic versions of songs make you want to pee a little? Guess its just me...watch these while I go to the restroom...

STG - You are the one


Incubus - Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity)


Kerli - Walking on air


Sia - Breathe me
***the end is fucking awesome


Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Can't say it enough



Disclaimer: The views expressed in the first two and half minutes of this video are that of the performers themselves, and never has been, has nothing to do with, and never will be the views of one, Jessica Porec.

Just FYI.

If you want to show me your boobs...um...inquire *within*

It's Tuesday. Live, love and laugh. Hard.

Word.

-J

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Mario bros. family guy style

oh yeah, giggity, giggity



That princess is a whore, I tell ya.

Happy lesbian night! And if you are not a lesbian then...happy....

No screw that, why aren't you a lesbian? It's much better, trust me. Trust me.

-J

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Just call me Lady McLovin'

Um...yeah, sure. I mean...ya know, whatever.



That's nice. Nice like freshly baked cookies and kittens.

Happy *hump* day

PS. Anyone up for some UNO?

:]

-J

Friday, September 26, 2008

Don't be a douche

Vote for Obama.




That's all for now.

-J

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Cheese is the new sex

I love everything about this vid.


Find more videos like this on DigiRomp: lesbian social network for sharing erotic experiences


Check out digiromp ya'll. Go there, and hear and talk about erotic lesbian experiences. What could be better than that?

Glad you asked. Cheese. Cheese would be better than that.

Some randomness:
- I had a drop of something food related (perhaps potatoe salad, perhaps mayo...i dont know, i fuckin ate a lot today) on my left nipple today at work. No one said a fucking thing about it to me. It looked like just my left nipple was lactating. No wonder the DHL driver was extra smiley.
- Ever since Chloe got back from the doctor from being sick she's been uber clingy, as if to say "thank you for taking care of me" and she wants to sleep with me every night. I love it :]
- I slept for almost 12 hours last night. Sleep is the new foreplay.
- Cheese is the new sex.
- I'm broke and still totally happy.

Welp, I'm off to a whole evening of nothing. Lots of Friends, cuddling with Chloe, BSing and laundry. I'll probably be in bed by 9. Yesssss, I can't wait for foreplay!

-J



Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Vagina lift?

Um...yeah. You read it right. Apparently, people are having their vagina's, like, all, reconstructed and stuff. They say they are doing it for reasons like: "to make the outside more attractive" and "to reshape it after childbirth".

Lift my vagina please

Hmm...I've heard of back tucks, ass lifts, and ear pinning, but never a vagina lift. My question is, how many people are looking at your vagina that you need to have surgery to make it prettier, you whore?

But really I think my favorite part of the article was the title, "Designer vagina trend 'worrying'". You know I had to click on it.

My point is this: vagina's are beautiful. They're sexy. They make you feel like Christmas morning. They are the cats meow.

And if all you're doing when you're down there is staring at it, you've got a lot to learn.

So put on a bib, pull up a chair and get to work. If you wont, I will *wink wink*

-J

Monday, September 22, 2008

Ain't it grand

Kinda cool to see two girls crazy about each other. And if they can make each other laugh like this...it's all worth it, huh? I think so. All power to Sam and Linds

Oh and Linds....no bra? Nice. You're such a dyke.


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Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



Thursday, September 18, 2008

Mmmm

Im bored. And totally obsessed with the following:

Kerli - Walking on air


Incubus - Anna Molly


Gwen Stefani - Luxurious


Aerosmith - Crazy


She Wants Revenge - Written in Blood
Written in Blood


Lady GaGa - Just Dance


Bleh. Im bored.

Thank you, Mr. Pitt

Apparently, Mr. Brad Pitt is all about the gay marriage. Pitt donated 100,000 dollars to help the fight to save gay marriage. Pitt said he was surprised that there were not more celebrities helping the battle against proposition 8. I think Angie had a little something to do with this. Usually, when they donate money it is as a couple; as Mr. and Mrs. Pitt. But this time it is just Pitt alone. Hmmm, I wonder if Angie enticed Brad with a new car....or a hummer. And no, not the big SUV. The other kind.

Thats a damn shame, because she's pretty hot. Starting to get a little overrated but, hot is hot...is it not? Speaking of hot....that reminds me...

You know Oprah's gay scale? The one where she says that it is not all just black and white, either gay or straight, but rather that we all have a percentage worth of homosexuality and heterosexuality combined. Well my scale is like 95/5. Meaning 95 percent gay and 5 percent straight. Well Brad pitt is right in there on that 5 percent. There are only 3 men I would go straight for. And they are:

1. Brandon Boyd


yeah....he can go ahead and keep that hat on...

2. Brad Pitt


Gimme gimme more...gimme more...gimme gimme more...please.

3. Sarah Shahi


Shit, how did that get in there. Mmm, who cares.

Oh well, guess its only two guys. Heh. :]

In other news, Chloe had gotten really sick but is home now, and feeling much much better. No really, she told me so herself. And she farted last night when she was sleeping next to me. Thats when I knew she was feeling just dandy.

It's 11:30 and I'm hungry and feelin feisty.....hmm...

Hope you have a good one! :]

-J

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Wow, you graduated




This is Arlan. She's a lesbian. And so am I. We're friends and we talk all the time about lesbian things. Like plaid, home depot, tegan and sara, l word, boobs, redbull and slim jims. She created and runs a magazine called Interlude. And she is on a mission of meeting ten thousand people.


To check out the ten thousand people mission:
Click her nip

To check out Interlude:
Click her other nip

For more of her viral vids:
Sex her up, and don't forget to leave your digits, yo.

Thanks, and have a good day.

You, lesbiana.

-J

Welcome, my child

Megan Fox is a lesbian. Okay, I've never been a huge fan of Megan Fox. She looked a little off in Transformers. She has a nice bod, I'll give her that, but there is something about her face. Something like, she'd be kind of a bitch and never share the last bite, and would talk during movies. And that kind of turns me off. But that doesn't mean I gotta look at her face, does it? Heh.

But I am happy to announce, that Megan Fox has a lesbian Russian stripper girlfriend. Kudos for the stripper girlfriend, and many more kudos and beyond for her being Russian. Jesus, I wonder who tops? I doubt it's Megan. I don't think any Russian woman could ever bottom. But as long as there is woman on woman sex goin on, all power to them.


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thats right, just let that marinate for a while.

yum.
e.

happy tuesday!

-J


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Jess' Picks

viral vid:
Douche Off


music vid:



lesbian vid:

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Okay

If I hear another story about animal abuse or animal cruelty, I swear to everything that is holy and on my father's grave I will track down whoever is responsible and beat the every loving shit out of them. I posted a bulletin on myspace about a dog that was taken off the streets and then chained to the wall and starved to death in the name of "art". *ahem* That is not art. The artist says that the dog would have died anyways, but in my mind he had no right to play god. There is no telling that someone would have taken that dog in and gave it a home and a LIFE. Or that he would have found a dumpster and stayed alive a little longer. The point is the same suffering the artist claims he was talking about was the same exact suffering he put that dog through. And the sad thing the artist could have made a difference and saved the life of that dog. If thats not enough, written on the walls in DOG FOOD were sayings. And people just sat around and watched this dog die.

So as you can tell I was pretty disgusted by this, me being a dog owner. Well no, fuck that, I was disgusted by this being a HUMAN BEING WHO VALUES LIFE; especially the lives of helpless animals and humans. So I open up the aol homepage today to get a scoop on the latest headlines and I come across this:

Click here

Here is a story of 360 animals that were living in conditions that were not even fit to be lived in. They found 15 animals dead on the property. This is what I have to say.

IF YOU CANNOT TAKE CARE OF AN ANIMAL AND LOVE IT, DO NOT FUCKING OWN ONE!


With that being said, I say we all hold back on that extra round at the bar, skip eating out a couple times a month, and send that money to organizations that can make a difference for helpless animals such as the ones you can read about above. That is what I am going to do. IF you would like to help check out the link below:

Click here if you would like to make a difference

In other news, its hump day! Middle of the week, Wednesday, half way through, so enjoy!










-J

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Caricature

I'm stepping up and looking around. Ignorant for the idea of me, less evolved then I suppose I claim to be. Learning every step of the way, holding to the thought of it all. Usually a doll sitting on a shelf, going through the movements. Carefully trained maneuvers, panicked steps, loose lips, and dancing to the beat. Of this heart beating and bleeding in my chest. Suppose sometimes def to the rhythm of the music and noise around. New to being me, new to the world I claim as mine, praying I find some solace in the things and people I hold dear. Reaching out and finding myself. Looking within and finding the same face I saw when I was 17. I lost a part of myself. That part of my heart is closed down. Under construction. No one can touch, no one can see, feeling anything here is not permitted. I'm exactly where I am supposed to be but some how out of touch. Opening the other parts of my heart to new things, hoping its not damaged. Irrecoverable. That can't happen. Don't want to close that god damn door. Want to keep it open. To the things and feelings I could never hope to imagine could happen. The things I don't want to dream up for myself. The things that are so much sweeter unexpected. I'm going to stop myself from chiming in now. What a glamorous caricature.

My first laugh of the day...



Word.

Happy sunday, ya'll. For those of you who actually still read this damn thing. lol...

Also a close family friend of mine died this morning at 6 am in Sunnyvale, CA. Just a reminder, life's too short. So love and let love, and remind yourself what a blessing it is to have awesome people in your life that shake and move the ground you walk on.

Cheers,
-J

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

A song for the ladies...

Made by Terra, special, for the launch of Interlude.



Hot.

- J

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Meh.

Oh and, this is for "anonymous". You know who you are.



Yeah, go 'head, make fun of dave again...

*evil laugh*

-J

This Makes Me Sick

I wish these two would cease to exist. I cannot, repeat, cannot go another day seeing pictures of these two. I hate them so much. I am so overwhelmed that I think I might cry. Seriously. He is the biggest douche bag I have ever seen. And I have seen so many. And Heidi is also a douche. Normally I reserve the term "whore bag" for chicks who are douche bags, but she is not even a whore bag. She too is a douche. Jesus Christ, this hurts to even put these pictures up...

Douche bags with bunny ears





Throwing up signs like this, I hope they get shot.





I don't care who you are. No one is this fucking happy when they are ice skating. Not even Tonya Harding. You spend most the time dodging little kids, elbowing people and falling on your ass. And I don't believe for one second that she knows how to skate. I hope she fell on her face.





Eat.Shit.





Just stop it.





Okay, I know that this is what these two do. They get paid to eat, shit , sleep and breathe behind the camera. But do they ever get sick of being fake? And how great is their relationship. They are just doing this shit to say they have done it. They are not really enjoying it.

Most of all, I can't stand the sight of them. I haven't seen a single picture where they are not happy. I wonder if the money is really worth it? Money makes things a lot easier, but it doesn't buy happiness. It can buy a lot of cheese, but cheese wont hold your hand at night when you sleep. Believe me, I've tried. And if you have someone who holds your hand, and takes care of you, and loves you, don't let them go. Life's too short to be unhappy.

Wow, what a speech. Anywho, these two suck. End of story.

Happy HUMP day. Which is referencing a day of the week, not a sexual act. *ahem*

PS. Chloe says hi!








-J

Monday, July 28, 2008

If you don't like dave, i dont give a shit. i do. :]


Thursday, July 17, 2008

No, I'm a Bigger Whore

Remember the good 'ol days when Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears would duke it out on who was the biggest whore? I miss that more than cold ice cream on a hot summers day when I was a kid. Ahhh, days spent frolicking in the wheat fields, countless hours spent choreographing routines so that every dance move resembled a sexual act, slipping Madonna the tongue, thousands and thousands of pelvic thrusts, fucking ex cast members of the Mickey Mouse club, and not washing their hair for weeks upon end to give it the "I'm so hot, i have freshly fucked dirty hair but its still cute, but not so cute that it takes attention off my boobs and ass" look. You know, days when a girl could just be a girl. Memories.

But really, for a while there, it seemed that Britney Spears was on top. Grabbing the bull by the horns and riding it like it was Ron Jeremy. Oh god, Ron Jeremy. Sexy beast [note: sarcasm].
And poor Christina Aguilera was like, "Hey, I was on Mickey Mouse club too! What about me!" *stands in background, legs spread shoulder width apart, hands behind head, slowly thrusting hips*. Yeah it was a sad life for Christina. But then she started slutting it up a bit. And it got her on the map. But I wonder how she feels today. She must be walking around with a perma-grin. She has this husband [*cough*douche bag*cough*], new baby, and new fantastic boobs thanks to the miracle of bringing a life into the world [thanks Jordan for ditching the rubber and knockin' her up, 'cause those funbags are flawless].

And here's Britney Spears, total nut case, acting a fool. Showing up to film TV guest appearances, for the only good two hours of the day that she's riding high on all the Prozac, to prove shes still normal. And as soon as she comes down, she shaves her head, and beats the shit out of SUV's with an umbrella. Christina must be relishing in it. Brava, Aguilera, go 'head giiiiirl. PS. Christina, I'm an excellent, [repeat], excellent stay at home nanny. I'll massage your breasts to get the milk flowing, and even check your nipples for sensitivity. I put your needs first. I'm just that kind of gal. Selfless.

In other news:
- Akshay bought Chloe a shirt that says: "Have you seen my pants?!", Hilarious, 'cause dogs don't wear pants, but also sad, 'cause that shirt implies my dog's a whore.
- I haven't eaten macaroni and cheese in like weeks. I'm past the withdrawal stage.
- I feel like a terrible lesbian because I haven't seen Wanted with Angelina yet. Oh well, I'll wait to watch her veiny arms and voluptuous lips on DVD.
- I signed up for school. I fuckin hate it.
- I want to make a video of my GF entitled "My girlfriend says the darnedest things". The following is just one example of why: I sent a text to her saying, "It's so hot, I can't read anymore. I'm sweating like a whore in church". She replies: "thats why I don't go to church." Touche. That's my girl.

Okay nuff of this nonense, get back to life. I'll get back to mine, and we'll reconvene, say....a couple days from now? Good deal, you bring the mandarin vodka and cheese, and I'll bring my self and my charisma.

:]

-J

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

This Sounds Just Right...

Good, good time tonight
Don’t it sometimes feel as if the world is turned upside down
And you’re standing on the edge
Trying to make the most of this
Kind of makes you feel heavy
Don’t it sometimes feel like you’ve got too much to bear
Well lay it at the door my friend
Come inside, and lets have a good, good…
Good, good time tonight
Try to forget it all
Cause it’ll still be there tomorrow
You can be sure
It’ll still be there for us all
Let’s have a good, good time tonight…
That’s what I preach
You can leave your problems
Aw, we’ll come back to teach about the fun that lies in a good, good time
Close your eyes, take it up, take it up
Leave it behind, leave it behind
Dance the night away
Till we hit the bottom of this bottle
Roll it up, roll up another one
And let’s have a good, good time tonight…

Monday, April 28, 2008

Stop the Sting

I’m learning. Every day that passes I’m learning something new. Who my friends are, who my emotional rocks are, my true inspirations and everyday I am surprised. I’m in a predicament though. In times of high emotion, I always express myself. What I’m thinking, or what that person makes me feel. And in the past, people have taken my feelings toward them for granted. I’m beginning to think that because I express myself more than the average person that it begins to cheapen. And to me that sucks because I mean it every time. It also begins to feel like it is expected. I try to switch it up and express myself in other ways, but even still, I get the same feeling. As though, I’m the one that does that kind of stuff so it’s normal. So when things come up, and the road gets tough, I feel like those things should be remembered. I feel like those things I do when everything is going well, shows my true intentions, and my true feelings for someone. Shouldn’t that be remembered when things get tough? I feel like I set myself up to fail. I try to be on my game as much as possible, and when I slip up, it’s expected that I don’t. So when I do its blasphemy. I’m beginning to feel like I set the bar up too high. I’m having a hard time getting some slack. And I feel like when shit goes on in other people’s lives, I’m the first person to say, oh well they are going through a lot. Maybe I just don’t understand. Is it really my place to always understand? No. I feel like the true testament of love and dedication is not needing a reason to do those things. I try to be tactful when dealing with people, but at times, I just want to say “cut me a little slack, no one is perfect”.

Life’s got me by the balls right now. People closest to me know what’s up but not everyone. I’m struggling more with dealing with this stuff than I thought I would. And because I act all “okay” on the outside it really sucks when those people don’t give me the benefit of the doubt. It makes me want to isolate myself. I don’t feel I need a reason to be quiet, to act a little weird, or in general be down. I swear to god if I could have a fuckin clown pop out of my ass and tell jokes when I am in a mood then I would. At least everyone around me would be entertained and distracted. And that’s really what my problem is. Often times I worry about everyone else and not enough about myself. How do I break that habit without seeming like an asshole to everyone around me? I try to be strong for everyone. I can’t do it when I barely have the strength to navigate my own river ‘o shit. What I really want to tell people is, hop in my canoe, lets paddle through this river together. It will make us stronger. I find that very few people are willing to hop in. Fuck ‘em. I’ll leave them on shore with AH hot dog, no bun, and chocolate and marshmallows and no graham cracker. Let’s see how things go for them then. They’ll be missing me and my grahams. And maybe when I come around with my grahams, they’ll be a little more appreciative when I share. Because that’s what I’m doing when I do those little things; sharing a part of myself, and I don’t do it for just anyone. For the most part people get me most of the time, and for those I say thank you. *bows and hands over all her graham crackers*

In other news, I got a new sidekick! Yay for the sidekick life. It’s the new LX. It’s sleek, it’s sexy and it gets me hot. Well not HOT HOT, but luke warm.

Anywho, lunch time…life time…work time.

-J

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Happy Birthday, Love Angel Baby

The time is right
I'm gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road
Cause over the mountain I see the bright sun shining
And I want to live inside the glow
Yeah

I wanna go to a place where I am nothing and everything
That exists between here and nowhere
I wanna go to a place where time has no consequences oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Please understand
That its not that I don't care
But right now these walls are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself
But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe

I wanna go to a place where I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might
I wanna go to a place where I'm suspended on ecstasy
Somewhere between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful




-J

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Today is the Greatest....

The kind of night vision video I like...Heavy eyeliner, moving bodies and the glow of a green light...




So a while ago Akshay and I were discussion food. It all started with him stating that he likes crunchy french fries and I like soft french fries. He said he liked a hard crunchy on the outside quesadilla and I prefer my quesadilla's softer. He enjoys a nice hard cock, and I enjoy...well, a soft, supple....well, you know. We came to the conclusion that your dietary habits speak loudly about your sexual preference. Lesbians like softer foods while gay men enjoy hard stiff foods. So I'm curious to see how many lesbians prefer softer foods to harder foods. It's a stretch, but it was one of many, ridiculous, fantastic conversations. We enjoyed our stoner clarity.

Then to make sure that everything is accurate, I'll need you to prove to me you're gay. And no I don't mean watch Margartet Cho with me, or tell me an Ellen Degeneres joke. I mean like, hard soft eveidence. Like making out with a hot girl. And let me watch. Yeah, that'll do donkey, that'll do.

And if some of you noticed I have not been posting much its because I've been busy! Life's got me by the chi chi's, and as much as I enjoy that sort of thing, it kind of sucks because I don't get as much time to write.

It's back to the daily grind. I wish i were talking about a different kind of grinding...*ahem* like the
"naked grinding lesbians" [NOT WORK SAFE] vid.

Lord.

Happy hump day, ya'll. Remember, on hump day, we all have to hump. MMkay pumpkin?

Write that down.

-J

Thursday, March 6, 2008

I'm Eating Japanese Beef Jerky

Okay so truth be told, I wrote a whole freaking post, then hated it and deleted it. Wasteful life. But to be honest, I think I needed to wrap my head [legs] around it, type it out, read it and then be done with it. It kind of felt nice to highlight it and delete it when I was done.

So instead I am posting lyrics. I know, boring life, but hey it’s my own blog. So I can do whatever [whomever] I want. And feel free to read [watch] if you want. Readers [voyeurs] are always welcome.

Run to your dreaming

When you're alone
Unplug the TV, turn off your phone
Get heavy on with digging your ditch

Cause I'm digging a ditch where madness gives a bit
Digging a ditch where silence lives
Digging a ditch for when I'm old
Digging this ditch my story's told

Where all these troubles
That weigh down on me will rise
Run to your dreaming
When you're alone
Where all these questions
Spinnin' around my head
Will die, will die, will die...

Cause I'm digging a ditch where madness gives a bit
Digging a ditch where silence lives
Digging a ditch when I am through
Digging this ditch I'll dig in for you
Where all these worries
Weigh it down on me will rise
Where all these habits that
Pull heavy at my heart
will die

Run to your dreaming
When you're alone
Not what you should be or what you've become
Just get heavy on with digging your ditch

Cause I'm digging a ditch where madness gives a bit
Digging a ditch where silence lives
Where all these dissapointments, grow angry out of me
Will rise...
Will die...

Run to your dreaming
When you're alone
Unplug the TV
And turn off your phone
Get heavy on with digging your ditch

-J

Thursday, February 21, 2008

My Lesbian Agenda

First off, my own personal gay agenda is far from what the republican, homophobic [expletive] *coughasshole’scough* believe the gay agenda is. My *points at self with both hands* own personal gay agenda is all in the name of science. A few weeks ago I saw an article on AOL saying that two female rats made sweet, tender and rough when they needed to be love with each other. The result. A beautiful baby girl. That’s right, two scientists made two girl rats have sex and make a baby without the help of any males or sperm. I’m totally going to ignore the fact that most likely, some douchebage scientist was like “Hey, let’s make two girl rats do it. It’ll be hott.” Whatever. But now, I’ve taken it into my own hands. Without anybody even needing to ask, I have stepped up and made it my personal goal, to have as much sex with a woman as possible to get her pregnant. The results have been astounding. Let me tell you that much. I’m all about making the world a better place, you know? I just want to do my part.

But really, it’s absurd to say that the “gay agenda” is to turn young adults and children into “being gay” as if it were a choice. It’s just as absurd as saying that I’m going to eat your baby, screw a goat, or watch El Cantante with J Lo and Marc Anthony. Fuck off with that. I will absolutely NOT watch El Cantante with J Lo and Marc Anthony. In fact, I am taking PRO ACTIVE steps to make sure that they never ever share the big screen again. If they wanna make movies, let’s keep it with a camcorder, in the bedroom, on a sex swing, bound and gagged like the rest of America. I mean, really.

If educating people about the homosexual lifestyle is really a means to turn someone gay, then I argue that teaching drug prevention promotes doing drugs, or educating people about alcohol abuse promotes alcoholism. What is sad is that the very same country that claims to send the message that we are all free to be ourselves, to learn, live and love equally shoulder to shoulder with everyone, is completely shifting focus off the real point. I’m not saying I’m surprised. I mean our government, in this country, lying to us?! NO way! Our government? The same government that screws us three ways from Sunday and isn’t even kind enough to give us a reach around?! Fuckin’ say it ain’t so.

What the real goal is to teach awareness. To teach diversity and tolerance. America is one huge melting pot orgy. We have to learn how to live with each other, tolerate each other, and respect the fact that we share different thoughts, morals, and most importantly, lifestyles. Just like, say, you might want to watch El Cantante. I mean, I can piss and moan, and explain to you that the movie will be so bad it will hurt you and make you cry, but at the end of the day it’s your choice. Depends on if you want to be a rebel that day or not. I have to respect that. I mean, me being gay I am just asking that people treat me no differently than your average Marc Anthony, respect my lifestyle and respect who I am and understand it is not something I stumbled upon. And by no means is it “an easy way out”. In fact I must be pretty strong in my convictions to deal with the harsh reality of what it entails to be gay.

Because really, who would “choose” this life? With this “decision” comes knowing that you will not be as welcomed anymore, the possibility that loved ones in your life will no longer accept you, the chance that a complete stranger will choose to harass you or harm you based solely on who you are holding hands with, the ridiculous notion that you’ll be attracted and oogle over ANYONE of your same sex. Pfft. Yeah, right, some people can be so self righteous. Just because I make out with women, does NOT mean just because you are not a man, I want you. This is not true. I’m just as picky and bitchy as I was before when I was dating men thank you oh so very much. I look at it this way, me asking for your acceptance is not me asking YOU (meaning straight people) to get at a chick. I’m not forcing you to take on a stone butch…although you might want to think about it, they’ll tear your shit up. True story.

So on that note I say, love who you will, move ahead, take care of yourself, family and loved ones, and remember, that fate is a bitch. The more you hate in this life, the more you’ll be hated in the next. And lets hope to god Elton John isn’t ruling the place, or you’ll probably find a nice hard cock up your bum for eternity.

Tough life.

As for me, I love life. Life is being good to me. I’m grateful.

So grateful, Im thinking of renting El Cantante.

Bahaha. What a joke. I will not.

-J

Friday, February 1, 2008

Not Sad Life, Akshay Trim Your Fucking Tree, What the Fuck Daisy

January 31, 2008 @ 12:44 pm
Akshay via email:
“Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy. We have to over-use this phrase today I effin love it”

Same day @ 1:06pm
Akshay via text:
“I feel like playing a sport”

Same day @ 1:42pm
Akshay via text:
“may your undies molest u today (but only in a good way…)”

Same day @ 8:00pm
Akshay via text:
“Keys in mail box. Shoes on nightstand. Francisco at home. Call you at 10.”

February 1, 2008 @ 10:11am
Me to Akshay via email:
***note: 41 post street is a dive bar called Macs.
“omg...i dropped down to 17 dollars in my account. hahaha. hilarious. my statement is like 41 post st, 41 post st, cheesecake factory, 41 post st, chevron, rock bottom, 41 post st, shell, 41 post st, 41 post st, overdraft charge...

omg, love life.”

Akshay back:
“LOL! We should get miles for 41 Post Street. Let's save up three thousand dollars and move to a 3rd world country. 1000 to get there, 1000 to live our entire life there and 1000 to come back when we get sick of it. We'll live the idyllic life. I'm thinking Guyana, they speak English and it's the Caribbean. So we get the beach and don't have to deal with all the ethnic BS”

Me back:
“hahah i love how you are planning out our lives and im loving it. can i post this on my blog?”

Akshay back:
“Absolutely, my pearls of wisdom are in the public domain, so publish away... just take off my phone number and address one stalker is all I need ;) lol I really should think about what it is to be modest.”

Keeping it random. Even with friends in real life. He's a keeper.

Love life, right now.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

1.Your ex is on the side of the road, on fire. What do you do?
Call AAA. Let em roast for a little bit.

2.Your best friend tells you she is pregnant. What is your reaction?
You know, you could’ve just blown the guy.

3.When is the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
Haha, you said “face”. I think the better question is, when do I not want to punch someone on their face. There are a lot of assholes out there. The last time was today. I was at a deli getting lunches for a meeting. At this deli there are numbers for you to pull to wait in line. This douche bag traipses in like he’s some fuckin’ Casanova ready to swoon the store clerk who is reorganizing all the tasty treats. Never mind that the store clerk was a guy. Whatever. He walks right up to the front of the counter and pretends that no one else exists. And totally ignores the fact that people are holding little blue tickets and numbers are being called. I wanted to scuff his ridiculously white Nike’s and then write him a rude letter where at some point, I call him a douche bag and his mom a whore. I don’t know…something to make him cry and rethink those white Nikes.

4.Congratulations! You just had a son. What's his name?
”Amillionbucks”. Cuz somehow a woman got me pregnant.

5.Congratulations! You just had a daughter. What's her name?
”holyshitim’awhore”

6.What are you craving right now?
Jimboy’s Mexican food. Cuz it’s the shit. And it has a drive through.

7.What was the last thing you cried about?



8.When you buy something and your change is a penny. Do you keep it?
I HATE CHANGE. I gave away 95 cents the other day. To me it is not worth how heavy it is…how you have to fumble through it…how it just like drops and rolls away. And ugh…no.

9.What color is your tissue box?
click it betch

10.Do you have a ceiling fan in your room, and if so, is there dust on that fan?
Are you asking me to take my top off?

11.What is the last voicemail you received about?
Blockbuster kindly [rudely] reminding me to return their damn movies. You know I have a real bone to pick with them. They offer this “no late fee” policy. But they don’t tell you that some angry divorced middle aged women that secretly resents her kids because she has to go to PTA night every Monday, when she would really like to go to lesbian karaoke night with “janet”, is going to call every other day and yell at you to return their movies. You know what, it’s not even worth it. I’ll return the damn movies on time.

12.Scariest thing you've experienced in the last year?
lesbians.

13.what do you order when you go to Taco Bell?
Fuck yes. this is the best question ever. ½ lb cheesy bean and rice burrito with NO SAUCE OR ONIONS, a chicken soft taco SUPREME, and a regular taco. Write that down.

14.Have you ever had a garage sale?
Oh please I’ve got so much junk in my trunk.

15.Has anyone ever spat in your drink and you drank it unknowingly?
I’m not answering this question because you said “spat”. That’s lame.

16.Are you happy right now?
Absolutely. I’m in mint condition.

17.Who came over last?
Ah-Kah-Shay and potato salad.

18.What is your reaction when you find out you just got pranked?
I go “Oh my god….ASHTON….you soooo got me. You jerk. I’m calling Demi…..you ass….oh my god… you got me.”

19.Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
All the time. I’m an only child, by the way. Maybe if you cared to ask you’d know that.

20.Dark or light jeans?
Like on my floor? Any jean on my floor is good. It just means that whoever is over, is wearing no pants. And we all know what that means…….leg shaving party! Woooo.

21.What was the last movie you watched at home?
The Hills Have Eyes 2 Unrated = stupid.

22.What is in your pocket?
My lip ring. I have to take it out for work.

23.Who hooked you up with your girlfriend/ boyfriend?
I don’t have one. Thanks for reminding me you jack ass.

24.Where do you hurt?
My heart! After question 23, I’m really fuckin sad.

25.What is your favorite aisle at Wal-Mart?
Whatever aisle I can find “cuntchips”. They’re like sunchips, but better.

26.When is your birthday?
November 18th. But feel free to send birthday gifts all year long. Don’t worry if I don’t like them, I’ll sell them on ebay. Along with your card.

27.What are you going to do after this?
Track down some cheese for my face.

28. Who was the last person you went shopping with?
AKSHAY! He’s so fantastic. Why have gay boys if you don’t shop with them?!

29.What about your favorite dessert?
What about it?! Cheesecake. MMM….give me some strawberries

30.Do you have the same name as one of your relatives?
No but can I say for the record, that’s a kind of stupid question, and I expected more. Seriously…

32.Do you like pickles?
I think pickles are the devil’s small bastard children.

33.Is someone in love with you?
I’m not self righteous. I have plenty of that in my life already.

34.What color is your couch?
A deep forest green by day, and hot pink leather by night. *cracks whips and stands with one heel on the couch* Problem?

35.Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member?
No. But everyone thinks I am Angelina Jolie’s sister. I am like, “Ugh, no I am not, but I will sleep with you. Don’t swing that way? Aw, really. Don’t worry, you will. Let’s go. Shhhhh…just get into this panel van”.

36.Does someone like you right now?
*blush*

37.Do you know anyone in jail / prison?
Again, are you asking me to take my top off? ALRIGHT!

38.Do you like the color green?
Only on your ass *over exaggerated wink* Yes. Yes I do.

39.How many hours did you sleep for last night?
I actually slept A LOT yesterday evening. I was in bed from like 6 on…I just kept chillin in bed watching TV. Harassed some people via text. Called some people…talked on the phone for two hours which was the highlight of my night…Yeah…life’s good.

40.Do you swear at your parents?
What the fuck do you think? No I don’t.

41.Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
I have an inkling….the lady at taco bell. Cuz I didn’t pay at the drive through. Just kidding…no but really, yeah, I think they are.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Kashi GO Feck Yourself

I’m kind of on a health kick. Startiiiiiiing...........
.
.
.
.
.
Now.

Well technically, I was on this “health kick” yesterday during the day, buuuuut then Jess went out and had some drinks. I ended my night with water though! Who the hell am I kidding, that doesn’t mean a damn thing. But it is a start.

So I’m on this health kick right? I had a slim fast and this special k, frosted flake, no corn starch, fatty acid, low carb, one-bag-only-contains-5-pieces fantastical snack for breakfast. THEN, cruised over and got some water. Being sure to pass by all the cookies and frosted snack cakes lying around work. And at lunch I had a Cajun chicken tostada salad thing. And now I am chomping on some fruit. That’s good right? I know the day is young, but my goal is to have soup for dinner and be totally full. Doubt it’ll happen. You’ll probably find me at La Vic’s tonight knee deep in cheese quesadilla’s with melted cheese stuck to my cheek.

They say one way to help lose weight and tone up is to keep a diary or a journal of all the things you eat. So I got this little 2008 planner and I have been writing down everything that passes my lips. Well not everything that passes my lips. *stares off while imagination runs wild* Nevermind. But the problem with this journal thing is I’m logging all the awesome food I’m eating and then reading about it later. And I find myself going “Damn, those cheese enchiladas were hella good…..ohhhh then I had a cookie. That’s nice. And it was chocolate chip too. What else did I have….hmm…….oh shit, I did have those three babybel cheeses. Fuck, now I’m hungry”. Not. A. Good. Idea. Unless you eat nothing but tofu and onion rings. Then in that case, log away my friend because who the hell wants to go back and read about that?!

Update:
It is true. Ms. Dewey is Papi from L word. I invite you all to just sit around and watch that damn search engine. She’s hella hot. Lord, oh lord.

I’ve got crap to do, including logging all my wonderful food today. Then I am going to In The Company of Dogs to spoil the hell outta Chloe. So I am going to head out but I leave you with this:

You’re Awesome. *high fives you*

Magical. I know, I felt it too.

-J

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Random Things

So here's a little randomness for your Wednesday...

Random Websites:

At work and you forgot your ipod at home? Yeah happens to me all the time....navigate your ass to
songza.com

Ebaums's World. Hilarious soundboards that you can use to crank call people. They also have recordings of the soundboards being used. My favorite is of our "Governator" Arnold.
click!

Random Lyrics for your head on hump day:

I was feelin’ like a creep
As I watched you asleep
Face down in the grass,
in the park, in the middle
of a hot afternoon
Your top was untied
And I thought how nice
It’d be to follow the sweat down your spine

You’re like my best friend
aw after a good, good drunk
You and me wake up and make love after a deep sleep
Where I was Dreamin’, I was Dreamin’ of a
Dreamgirl


Random Song Remix:
Tegan and Sara - Walking with a Ghost (The Rentals Remix)








****I found the "crash into me" remix that I wanted to post on here earlier, but didn't because I couldn't find it. I love it :]

Dave Matthews Band - Crash Into Me (Remix)





Random Facts:
-The clock in my car is 23 minutes fast.
-I put vaseline on my lips at night so they are super soft when I wake up.
-I have perfected the high five. Trust me.
-I have the
sexiest pack of gum you will ever see.

Random Loved picture:
Me and my Grandma playing at an arcade. I love her face.




Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting




Happy Hump Day!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Updates Galore

1. My computer crashed AGAIN. So, it’s being written off as a lemon. I was always told if life gives you lemons make lemonade, but geek squad said they’d give me a new computer. So I said, “Okay, I hate regular lemonade anyways”.
2. I might be moving to a house on a street called “Clintonia”. Every time I say “Clintonia” I think “clit”. I wish it was “Clitonia”.
3. I didn’t sign onto myspace for a week. It felt fantastic.
4. Slimfast is heaven.
5. I went insane for a day and thought I would cut cheese out of my diet thinking it was making me gain weight. When I saw how grumpy I was, I decided that for the sake of all the loved ones in my life, I’d continue my cheese indulgence, just for them. I’m happy again.
6. I haven’t seen any full episodes of L word yet. I only saw the online premiere. It sucks. BUT it’s kind of nice knowing that I am going to play catch up and probably watch all the episodes back to back. High five for no cable.
7. I was surfing the web a while ago and found this website. I swear to god it’s the actress that plays Papi on L Word. I could be wrong. If that’s the case, I owe you some bread in a can.
8. Yes, I did say bread in a can. I received some bread in a can from a good ole’ cheese lovin’ co worker of mine. I’ll just call her Sanders. But we can call the bread insane for having 130 calories per serving and 8 servings per can.
9. I’ve learned that some people never grow up. And that you can’t make them. So if you plan on being in my life, let’s keep the game playing to a minimum. Because I wont stay around to put up with it. And that’s me, being blunt and to the point. If you don’t like it, put a comment in my suggestion box. I go through it weekly, and take it all into consideration [set it on fire].
10. I like “shoes” <3


Hope life is treating you all well. I am going to try and write blogs on my sidekick and post them when I can. I'm getting desperate, I know.

FYI: My boobs miss your boobs. Let's set up a play date.

-J

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

This is ME Exuding "Niceness"

Let me just start off by reminding you guys that I am weird. Weird random things piss me off. Just the sight of them. For instance, yellow smiley faces. Douche bags. Cans of soda that are made to look and sound like name brand soda, but soooo aren't.

Okay, I understand that not everyone can afford name brand, or just don't care and like to save a dime or two. Whatever floats your boat. But do these companies really feel the need to make their product almost identical to name brand? There's no point in this. People who are buying the knock off know they are buying a knock off and for good reason. Don't be an ass and insult my intelligence by putting Aunt Jemimo syrup on the shelf next to Aunt Jemima. And have Aunt Jemimo have slightly smaller tits and a little bit saggier ass. All it does is for the next six months (does syrup even expire?) is remind me, every fuckin time I open up my cupboard, that I got Aunt Jemimo. She's not nearly as hot as Aunt Jemima. And let's face it, she's a little slutty.


Hmm so tangents are cool. Moving back to the point. I'm starting a petition to do away with the playboy bunny icon. I'm sick of it. It's so uncalled for. And who the hell decided it cool in the first place? Does having it tattooed on your ass make you hot? Absolutely not. And it sure as hell doesn't make you one of Heffner's ladies. It just makes you a knock off brand. So fuckin stop it already.

And while I'm at it, something else that makes me sick is the As Seen On TV bullshit. Seriously?! It's all just CRAP. Like really, some guy was sitting at home and wanted to make it rich. So he was like, "Hey, I don't really want to work hard for my money, so I'll just come up with some crap that people will want to buy. I'll hire actors to do testimonies on how much they love my product, and money will just fall on my lap". I refuse to support those jerk off's. And seriously, I can't even look at their website without wanting to stab myself in the eye with a spork.

This site rules me.

I'm off to watch a movie and harass people via text. It'll be glorious.

-J

Monday, January 7, 2008

I Got Cheese On My Boob

You know what's funny? You think I'm kidding about my title. I'm so not. Let me paint you a picture. I'm in my work pants, a Hane's white t-shirt, slippers with Will and Grace playing in the background. I'm cooking me a little macaroni and cheese, you know, a typical night for me. My macaroni is done and it's ready for the cheese. The cheese is in this ridiculous foil/plastic pouch thing. Although it's fun to rub on your boobs and squish between your hands and cheeks, it's nearly impossible to get open. Even though it has tons of little notches on both ends, no one with normal human strength could really tear it open. And for some reason I don't own a pair of scissors. So I use a knife to hack into the end of it and tore it open. Normally, I prefer to just clip the corner off so that way i can squeeze every last drop of cheese out. But this got cut down the middle and torn open. So now there is no clean and efficient way to get the cheese out. I mean, the majority of it came out in a big glob, but there was so much left in the creases and corners of the package that I couldn't throw it away. I was like, switching the thing from hand to hand...cheese is dropping out and getting on the counter...I start shaking the bag...some more cheese falls out..I pull out my dyke fingers and start scraping at the bag. It was so tragic and pathetic; I fumbled the whole time. Kind of like my "first time". Except no one got off. And what was left was a joke of a meal and cheese on my boob. Not even on my boob. On my shirt, on my boob. If it were on my boob and not my shirt, I might have been able to pay someone to lick it off. Fuck that, I would have licked it off. But it's on my shirt. So the only person willing to lick it off is Chloe. And well, I'm pretty sure that would be frowned upon.

So last night was the L Word premiere. Sadly I do not have cable. But I did catch it online and was told that I didn't miss much on the live showing. I got a call from Arlan saying that Rachel Shelley was all in her presence and stuff. Can we just stop and give a moment of silence at how fucking hot Rachel Shelley is, please? I mean, the hair, the bod and the accent. And to be honest, her bad attitude in earlier seasons didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth at all. In fact, it was pretty fuckin' hot.

So later on in the night I get a text from Arlan saying that Paris Hilton was there. I mean, I don't even know what to think about that. Whatever. So I got a link today with pictures from last night...check them out if you dare. I like to think that in the picture of her whispering in Ilene's ear, she's saying "You suck for killing off Dana. And you better think twice if you ever want to stay in any of my choice hotels". And what is with Kate hanging out with Paris?! Doesn't Kate know that Paris didn't get the Hilton fortune. Fuck. We don't need Paris on our team. She's the straight girl who makes out with chicks for the attention from guys. Okay, okay. I'll reconsider if she agrees to do a sex tape with another chick with night vision and heavy eyeliner. But that is the ONLY way I'll rethink it. And how is it that in nearly every picture I see of Paris, her mouth is open? I mean, is it just out of habit? She's given so many blow jobs that now it just kind of hangs open?

Anyways...yay for L Word being on. Yay that Monday is over. And yay that I'm in bed watching a movie and totally relaxed.

OH and...up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, b, a, select, select, start.



-J

PS. I still have cheese on my boob.