Tuesday, December 25, 2007

I Want a Girl Who's Too Sad to Give a Fuck

I'm kind of using this one as my journal. I've got a leather bound notebook and pen on my nightstand but I don't want to write. I want to type. It's faster that way to get my ramblings out. I've disabled comments because I'm not really looking for a response.

Let me just say...I am so glad I got an ipod. I am attached to the damn thing. If I could make sweet love to my ipod I would. When my other nano died, I learned to get along without it. But now that I have a new one, it gets to the point where my ears hurt because I have my headphones in for so long. Thank god for my ipod alarm clock stereo thingy or else my ears would never get a break. Music is really helping me a lot lately. Right now I'm going through a change in my life. I'm in a new city, which I chose. I am glad I did, because I wanted to start over, fresh and new. I know people here, but they are all new. I find myself yearning for an intimate connection with someone. Someone I could tell all my in's and out's to. Someone I could let in all the way, that could break my fucking heart, but would never dare. Kind of like a drug. Do too much and it'll kill you, but that high is so worth the risk. Reminds me of one of my favorite lyrics: "Loves just an excuse to get hurt/And to hurt/Do you like to hurt?/I do, I do/Then hurt me"

Obviously, no one wants to get hurt. But isn't it great to be in a position that you could be so incredibly vulnerable to being hurt by someone that at the same time you feel 100% safe? I miss the feeling of having my guard down and the confidence that comes with being someone. People take advantage of that. How you know undoubtedly that when you reach for their hand they will always open up their fingers for you to slip yours in between. How, no matter what time of night, you can throw your arm around them and they will always tuckle up to you and go "mmm". How you know that whenever you leave a room that they will be right there watching. That feeling of comfort that comes with having someone in your life that wants to be your everything.

I miss that. I feel like a pilot light. I don't work unless there's a spark. And right now, there's no fucking spark. It's wake up in the morning, go to work, come home and go to sleep. No one to share my day with, no one to cook for, no one to pleasure. Life is so mundane. Black and white. This is my black and it's low. And my only solace is knowing that everyone goes through this, at one point or another. People have come out alive, happy and sharing their lives with someone that means the world to them. I want to mean the world to someone. I want to be someones infatuation. Someone who loves my eccentricities and can love me in spite of my flaws. Someone who would gladly pick out the cherries of the Cherry Garcia for me because although I eat the cherries every once in a while, I really just like the chocolate chunks. Someone who wont complain that I cook macaroni and cheese three times a week. Someone who has no problem spending an entire Saturday making out with me in bed and watching movies with me even if they are sappy like "Steel Magnolias" or gory and intense like "Seven" or "Crash". Someone who needs no other reason to smack my ass besides "because it's there". Someone who can stand me blaring Dave Matthews 24/7 because when it comes down to it, his lyrics move me and have helped me through the hardest times of my life. I guess I could go on forever talking about all the things I wish for in a partner/lover/best friend. But doing so isn't going to get them to me. Fate will. I guess I will have to respect that.

That fucking sucks. Fate has turned out to be a real whore to me. She owes me.

But seriously, it seems like everyone around me has somebody. Why is that?! Can't there be miserable people around me when I'm feeling down? Even the asian lady who thinks Chloe is going to attack her has somebody. She's only ten fucking pounds lady and is more scared of that leaf than she is of you. Jesus Christ. I'm sure her steamed rice and dim sum is fucking bomb, but what about my mexican lasagna?! My bacon provolone pasta?! How come no one wants to eat my food?! Well, they can all just eat me.

I want to gamble everything for love. Meet me in Vegas.

In the meantime, I need to laugh.

Where's My Money Man

Brian's Novel

Ding Fries are Done

Believe me, I mean it when I say, Happy Holidays to you all :]

-J

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