Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Just a Phase

It is incredible how the human body works. I’m amazed at how closely connected our emotions are with the rest of our body. And I don’t mean watery eyes or choked up words. I mean how your heart can ache. I mean how I can just be sitting in a damn chair, and it feels like the words in my head are playing my body like an instrument; strumming hard on my heart strings, tendons and ligaments, tapping my mind like a bass drum, hell, even playing my boobs like the bongos. My head was in the clouds on the way to work this morning. I don’t remember anything about my drive. But I could describe to you vividly every picture that was painted by the music pumping through my speakers. It’s a miracle I made it to work alive, really. I mean our hearts are there to pump blood right? It’s there to get the blood from point A to points B-Z of our body to keep us moving, one foot in front of the other, and one breath after the next. You wouldn’t think that it would even have the time to worry about what I’m worrying about. I suppose my heart was in flight or fight mode this morning. Working extra hard to keep that little roller coaster in my head moving in circles, shutting down the less important parts of me so energy could be sent to my feet and hands so I could drive. But my eyes didn’t see much and my ears didn’t hear anything but the music. And it was like my mind was staring and consumed with a version of Hightlights that was based on my life; analyzing over and over every detail and subtle difference of nearly the same fucking picture I see everyday, in hopes of finding all the answers. Pointless really. Someone ripped out the answers page. Fuck.

I’m beginning to lose faith that things happen for a reason. I’m having a hard time accepting the road that my life is going down. I guess I will have to learn to sleep at night knowing that I am doing the best I can with things. I guess I’ll have to stop thinking I can change things, situations or people. Things are what they are, and I can only do as much as I can. I wonder if there is a book at Borders that will teach me to tell my mind to stop being so consumed with it all, to tell my heart to stop worrying about sending in the reserves, and to stop “feeling” so much. I feel too much. And it hurts to feel this much. I want some melted cheese on something.

18 comments:

th-Inker said...

I think there is something going on with the stars right now. Everyone I know, including me, is having a difficult time of things. Work, life, and even our own sanity has come in to questionable standing. I feel you grrl, I want to talk to you more tho... check your gmail laterz

Elizabeth James said...

You are very right, all you can do is all you can do. You cant change other people, they have to want to change themselves. I so feel you on this, but believe me, things do happen for a reason, and there is light at the end of the tunnel. xoxo

Super said...

my friends and i are taking a roadtrip next summer

i highly suggest it if you can


get out, live.
life is way too short not to.

Becs said...

Concentrate on the fact that every time you experience anything good or bad, you grow. Yeah my middle name is Oprah, but really...sometimes you can get the most out of the worst situations. Don't lose the everything happens for a reason mentality. Focus on how you obviously needed that bad thing to happen to prepare you for the next bigger and better thing. You can't control other people, but you can control how they effect your feelings about yourself.

Or alternatively, watch old episodes of Freaks and Geeks. It's bloody funny.

Remember: This too will pass.

Becs said...

(Freaks and Geeks isn't actually very relevant, I'm just watching it at the moment. Carry on)

Anonymous said...

I dont know why they canceled that show...it was so good

Merc said...

It does hurt to feel.
Let's have a cheese melting party?

Anonymous said...

The Game - Neil Strauss

Read it =)

jescas said...

Thanks everyone for your comments and support. You guys are awesome and thanks for reading.

I promise I'll return to my retarded, random self soon. Just in a rut right now. My humor isn't lost, its just filed away for now. More important things to do, like heal...

and buy more cheese.

<3

Brenna said...

I'm always here if you need to talk Jess.

RavenNation said...

Stop making me want cheese. I don't have money to buy cheese right now.

Seriously though, emotions destroy you. They are pointless and useless. At least, that's what the Cybermen on Doctor Who say. And I'm very inclined to believe them right now. Plus, they're shiney and cool looking.

The Closet Dyke said...

I guess in life we have to know when to accept things as they are and when to fight to change them.

arlan said...

caramel covered lesbian breasts.

that is all.

Julia said...

Pretty girl

Elizabeth said...

there really is something wonky in the cosmos now, i swear to jebus... everyone i know is breaking up and/or in a rut and/or going through some sort of work or personal crisis, myself included... i like the remedy of Freaks and Geeks... throw in a drink or two and top if off with some chocolate... and tada... :)

Anonymous said...

the book is called infinite mind by valerie hunt

shir said...

I think its your minds defense mechanism to make you focus on it now. If you ignore your emotions, you can't ever truly let them go. They creep below the surface waiting for an unexpected moment to pop up again. I suggest reading The Book of Secrets by Deepak Chopra and writing a letter that you will never send to who you're hurting over. Put everything you can't ever say to that person out into this letter and ask to let it go. Its emotionally challenging and brings up alot of memories but you feel lighter after... it works for me.

Cheryll said...

Life is what you make it. You can't change the past or the people in your present. You can however go out and have a crazy night of drinking and dancing and take your mind off things for awhile. Hope everything works out for you sweetheart

-Cheryll