It is incredible how the human body works. I’m amazed at how closely connected our emotions are with the rest of our body. And I don’t mean watery eyes or choked up words. I mean how your heart can ache. I mean how I can just be sitting in a damn chair, and it feels like the words in my head are playing my body like an instrument; strumming hard on my heart strings, tendons and ligaments, tapping my mind like a bass drum, hell, even playing my boobs like the bongos. My head was in the clouds on the way to work this morning. I don’t remember anything about my drive. But I could describe to you vividly every picture that was painted by the music pumping through my speakers. It’s a miracle I made it to work alive, really. I mean our hearts are there to pump blood right? It’s there to get the blood from point A to points B-Z of our body to keep us moving, one foot in front of the other, and one breath after the next. You wouldn’t think that it would even have the time to worry about what I’m worrying about. I suppose my heart was in flight or fight mode this morning. Working extra hard to keep that little roller coaster in my head moving in circles, shutting down the less important parts of me so energy could be sent to my feet and hands so I could drive. But my eyes didn’t see much and my ears didn’t hear anything but the music. And it was like my mind was staring and consumed with a version of Hightlights that was based on my life; analyzing over and over every detail and subtle difference of nearly the same fucking picture I see everyday, in hopes of finding all the answers. Pointless really. Someone ripped out the answers page. Fuck.
I’m beginning to lose faith that things happen for a reason. I’m having a hard time accepting the road that my life is going down. I guess I will have to learn to sleep at night knowing that I am doing the best I can with things. I guess I’ll have to stop thinking I can change things, situations or people. Things are what they are, and I can only do as much as I can. I wonder if there is a book at Borders that will teach me to tell my mind to stop being so consumed with it all, to tell my heart to stop worrying about sending in the reserves, and to stop “feeling” so much. I feel too much. And it hurts to feel this much. I want some melted cheese on something.