Thursday, October 25, 2007

Serious Face

Ugh. It has been one of those days. I feel like I have been working my ass off. I got home at nearly 7 yesterday. And was at work by 8:40 this morning (I sat in traffic for an hour and 20 minutes).The traffic was really really bad. I feel kind of out of sorts. I've never used that phrase, ever, but it seems fitting now. I need to get my sorts all together. I have friends here, and I have good friends in Sac. Everyone is within arms reach if I ever need them. And they are certainly a phone call away, but I feel like I am in my own little bubble. I've been told that's what I need right now, but I can't shake the feeling that it's not. Things have settled down a bit from the summer and now it feels like all work and no play. I couldn't even find the energy to meet up with anyone last night. Hmm...not quite sure what to do. BUT I do thank Peter for sending me douche bag pics. They sooooooooooo made my day. :]

In other news I read an article today about the top 11 geekiest shirts. You can check them out here. My favorite is the Twitter one. Anyone been on Twitter? I started getting into a couple months back, then I sort of got bored of it. I didnt like how you can't search for anyone. So I had these random people twittering me that I didn't know. Which was cool because some were funny. But I found it kind of retarded after a while.

So my therapist gave me a lot of insight today. I see a therapist for "maintenance" reasons. I think that going through life's tough times is hard enough. But I don't want to alienate myself and lose people in the meantime. So I use her ear so I can straighten myself out without affecting anyone else in my life. It's nice to have someone unbiased to just listen. And you know what's even better? She never talks about herself. It's one of her best qualities. LOL. She's so selfless. Anyways I've been thinking lots about who I am without anyone else and I'm trying to find myself now that I am pretty much divorced and doing my own thing. I have found that I struggled more with the transition of not having anyone to answer to, cater to and love than I thought I would. I'm just not a selfish person when it comes to those things. So when at the end of the day I think, what do I want to do, I'm usually like "I don't know" if there isn't someone that needs me. But at the same time I love doing those things. She also made me realize that all the catering I did to my ex was me trying to prove my love. I was trying to prove myself. When in actuality we should have loved eachother for who we were; not what we did for eachother. She asked me how I thought I would feel if someone loved me for me and not for the things I did for them out of love. And I said, "I don't know". True story.

I'm pretty much an open book. I do all that crap. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'll be the one throwing rocks at your window at midnight; I'm the idiot on the Today show in the crowd in the window with the sign that says "I love you [insert name here]" and grinning like a damn fool. That's me. And reading what Sarah put today, I'm proud I'm like that.

From Sarah's blog Robot Envy, when speaking about holding back in the beginning of a relationship:

i don't think it's a necessity, but for some people it's just natural, and for others, it' personally i'm pretty much an open book, but think about it: the best books you read slowly, savoring every page. you read them bit by bit because you don't want them to be over. of course, books do eventually come to an end, and so do people's lives, for that matter, but this isn't really a good analogy because people generally live longer than it takes for the average person to read a fucking book. but you get where i'm going with this i think. with a person, there is always something more to learn. and my favorite books? i read them over and over...and over again.

Amen! God, I love her thinking.

I have no idea what my next step in life is but I am not going to concern myself with it too much. I don't want it to consume me. What I do know is, I am going to Sac tomorrow after work to spend some time with my cousins and then go to a little shindig Saturday night. I'll be back on Sunday.

What is everyone else doing for the weekend? I am sure there are lots of Halloween parties going on, so have a drink or two for me. And I'll be sure to do the same for you!

As Noha would say, "perky nipples" to you all...



Sarah said...

i had a similar conversation with my therapist some months back, ha. just about how i try so hard to sell myself and show the other person what they'd be missing and obviously that's not...healthy. i'm just a giver and i want to do everything i can for somebody i care about and i'm so used to being treated like shit that i tend to really adore people who treat me well really quickly and i'm just all over them. i can't help it. i feel you. and keep writing, jess. this is therapy too.


Elizabeth James said...

Wow, this was a great post Jess. I am amazed at how you so eloquently expressed yourself in such a short post, but still managed to hit the nail on the head. Everyone right now is just sitting here reading it, shaking their heads because they know what you mean, and are right there with you.

And as for catering to others, just remember that its who you are. You have a big heart, and genuinely like people- and, its what people really love about you. Doing things for others is how you show your love. Unfortunately, sometimes people just take advantage...

Have a great weekend, and you have a drink for ME!

Kayro said...

Hm. This post made me think a lot. I've been single for a while... which is good because my last relationship was too intense. But I've been trying to find myself (and mostly succeeding) and wondering whether I can do this relationship thing again.

I love the quote about people being like favorite books you want to read over and over again. It simplifies things. And I like simplicity.

Carolyn said...

I got to your blog through a really bass-akwards way. ( blogs, daily lesbian, link to yours) I am now reading through your older posts (I do that religiously when I find a blog I like) And I just want to say one thing before I continue: I have no idea where you live, or who you *really* are, but I love you anyway. I hope that is ok. Seriously if it was possible I would have your love children.....RIGHT......NOW!