Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Tuesdays with Jescas...just because

First off, Happy Tuesday! How'd everyone sleep? *listening and nodding* Awesome.

Now let's move onto much more dire, worldly issues that are of utmost importance. Like say uhh….Kelly Clarkson? Yes, let's talk about "The Kelly". I may have touched nipple on this subject before but it never hurts to talk about it again. I never thought myself to sport lady wood over some celebrity…but I can't resist The Kelly and her voice. There's something about the combination of her hot bod and amazing voice that makes me want to buy a bear skin rug and silk sheets. And perhaps nipple clamps? Depends on what "The Kelly" is into…I'm…*ahem* down, for whatever. Seriously.

So, I spent the weekend helping one of my bestest friends paint a room. At one point we needed to run out to Home Depot. [sidenote: Can anyone else not resist touching the carpet when they go there? And I love that there is a store in my area called "MMM Carpet" MMM is damn right.] We got our paint rollers, did the pain-in-the-ass self checkout, and was on our way. I thought I was going to go the whole day without seeing a douche bag. But sure enough I saw one leaving the parking lot. I guess it was to be expected, with being at Home Depot and all. This guy was the EPITOME of douche. I swear you could have boxed him up and sold him. He had the crisp clean hat cocked at just the right angle with all the stickers still on it from when he bought it, the necklace and earring glistening in the sun, about five layers of t shirts (why do they do that?) and came with the two most important of all douche accessories: Lifted Dodge ram with Flowmaster custom exhaust and his "nerdy-douche" wingman probably named Kevin. You see, Kevin is douchey, but not so douchey that he would take away from his friends douchiness. But douchey enough to share necklaces with the guy and to pick him up at a strip club when he's had too much to drink. Kevin holds the typical douche bag wingman resentment. Never being able to be the douche he is capable of being because he lives in his friends douche bag shadow. Kevin needs to breakaway.

Oh and last night at dinner I hit my elbow on the table. It hurts. It's bruised. Just like Kevin's little douche bag ego. Poor Kevin.

How bout you meet me at the Sounds concert tonight? K? You should come buy me a drink. :]

-J

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love giving douches parking tickets...and their windshields are not too tall for me to place a ticket on.

jescas said...

hahaha...thank you for that. it must feel so damn good to give a DB a ticket...

i mean...they're just askin for it! and they always park their oversized trucks in compact only spaces...my parking space at my complex happens to be between two huge trucks. i swear god is punishing me...my poor solara barely even fits.

Sarah said...

haha, douchebag shadow.

keira said...

You're awesome, let's hug sometime. Until then I thought I'd share some news on the douche front. So the local newsrag printed a story detailing apparent worldwide croc/escalator injuries. Finally...retribution from a higher source!!!

Noha said...

I say we create a douche dictionary, full of your brilliant creations such as iDouche, and to include new phrases such as

out-douching each other
and my favorite of the minute
douchetastic.

Oh the irony.

Kae-Tee said...

Douchebags have a love/hate relationship in my world. On the one hand they annoy the fuck outa me and I wanna smack them with an oversized dildo. On the other hand if there were no douchebags what the fuck would I have to laugh at while cruising the panny stores at the rich folk malls.

RavenNation said...

This is what eggs were invented for. To throw at douche bag vehicles everywhere. But if eggs are too messy for you, I suggest neon pink spray paint (my St. Patty's Day this year was full of Beverly Hills and a bunch of cars/trucks/SUVs/gay gold cars from the 70s that went out of style years ago with a nice line of pink spray paint across the side). Not that I'm condoning vandalism of any sort...but you know, if you're ever bored...

Home Depot is the funnest place ever. So many things to play with. Halloween stores are even better. I once spent two hours in a Halloween store just playing with things and pushing buttons on things and spending 30 minutes trying to find the right fake blood for my needs.